Fit + Flabuless!

And that is that your bring your fabulous wedding outfit, or whatever your favorite dressed-up-for-a-night-on-the-town outfit might be.

Then, on the last or second to last night, we should go someplace really fancy for eats and drinks and desserts and have this life celebration we keep talking about. Do you think Sher would maybe like to come up for the day, too? I think that would be fun. Or does it sound too high-pressure for a vacation?

Hope you're alright with Nickiebear there!

Life would be so much nicer if it didn't suck so much. And you are no irritant to me, lady. Ramble on.

Rambling in a physically travelling kind of way sounds good, doesn't it?

And no, Ramon did not call me after his drink. In fact, he hasn't called me since January when I pitched a fit and told him to stop calling me, it was too hard and I can't be his friend. You're right about the friendship thing and it's durn near impossible to downgrade a relationship. Although I must say that honestly, I am not sexually interested in him anymore. Really. And he never seemed that into me sexually after the first couple of months, so. . . .

Good gracious, I wonder what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't ignore you. (I know I said that this morning, but it seemed worthy of repeating).

Instead of doing my work this afternoon, I ironed my pink party dress (it's so shiny!) while watching an Irish movie called Cowboys and Angels. It's no Intermission, let me tell you, but it was mildly entertaining nevertheless. It's a coming of age story set in Limerick (a.k.a. Stab City) focusing on a couple of 20-something boys, one gay, one straight--the straight one is square and lonely and the gay one is--you guessed it--fabulous. It's worth renting for the Irishness alone, I say. The city scenes made me want to go back to Dublin soooooooo bad. It hurts me not to be there.

But isn't this a fitness blog?

Well, I went for a good run today in my new running shoes (which have splashes of silver and orange on them). Then I ate an egg white omelette with fat free cheese and 8 asparagus spears and three cups of coffee with skim milk, soy creamer and splenda. For lunch I cooked my derishious eggplant and zucchini parmesan and ate that with a big old green salad with lots of veggies in it and a splash of light vinaigrette. I snacked on yogurt with Walden Farms chocolate syrup in it, an apple, four bran crackers with sugar free jam and a squirt of I can't believe it's not butter spray and a cup of tea; and I just had another snack of a cherry covered chocolate luna bar--yum! Now I won't eat until after rehearsal, which will be 9 or so and I'll be famished. Good thing I have half a pan of veggie parma at home to scarf.

I feel pooped. And even more pooped when I realize I didn't get any work done. Poop.

I hope you're having an elegant day off--treating yourself right and venting into your little laptop. Journaling is excellent in a crisis, I find; of course, I always come out with stuff I should never read again. Good writing isn't the point, though, so it's fine, fine, fine.

I also hope the sun finally came out in your neck of the woods--a person in crisis can only take so much lousy fucking weather on top of everything else!

First, I think I must tell you that just having you as a friend and having your love and support and remarkable ability to listen to me ramble on is more help and comfort than you know. Thanks so much for that.

And there's nuthin' so called about your life! It's some good shit! You keep livin' it fabulously, woman. Which you've done, after your own fight with cancer. Fuckin' cancer, fuckin with everybody I love. Fucker. Does it bother you to listen to my bullshitery and whining about this? Tell me to shut up if it does.

Oh, that Ramon. Did he call you after his birthday drinks? How are you holding up? Doing better, I hope. Is he trying to buy his way back into your graces with this Giselle donation, or do you think he is truly a cupporter of dance? And no, I don't see Sher letting him in.

I think we all have this wonderful idea of love, real love, and friendship, and how, when we're really in love, a friendship can last through even a breakup. Sometimes it can, but I think only when both people mutually lose sexual interest in each other. Because the thing we all forget when we're dreaming of how noble we'll be after a breakup, how we can be friends, is that we are all fucking human, and we're social animals, and breakups involve hurt and suffering and rejection, and being all chipper and friendly immediately after that shit (or even for a long time after) is pretty much unrealistic, or a big fucking lie. I think a good rule is to allot yourself one-third as long as your relationship lasted to "get over it" in a meaningful way. That gives you a total of 20 months to mourn that bad boy, and your time ain't up, yet, sister. Which isn't to say you shouldn't see other people until then, just that you should probably not be stressed out about the lingering hurt. I mean, is a relationship worth anything if you don't mourn its passing?

I don't think so.

But I am an evil fire snake aquarian, so my perspective might be a bit skewed. All that shit together apparently makes me jealous, possessive, passionate, AND YET aloof and unavailable to my partners. Orsomething.

Your outfit sounds beautiful! Take pictures so I can see ya all tarted up!

I got some Amy's after the gym and I'm pretty much back on track. I have gone crazy with the Ryvita and toppings, though. I discovered that if I top them with fake cream cheese and sundried tomatoes, they are perfect, like little yummy pizzas. You probably told me this already in your quest for the perfect GG topper. And I think I should just skip the booze altogether, man, because it's just going to make me sadder and slow down my metabolism. And what's the point of doing all this shit if I'm gonna let that happen?

Call you in the mornin'? I have an asscrackadawn session (my last scheduled...perhaps my last with Frank altogether) and then a big gap in which to wander around being bitchy and miserable. Then I have swim. Then I will pass out. But somewhere in there, we will chat!

Frankupdate: So how about this man text-messaged me this morning (after agreeing yesterday to a 10am session today) saying he needed to move it to 11:30. I'm done. New trainer. What the fuck.

I'm just thinking about you all the time, darlin'. If you have any idea how I can best help you, please let me know. Sometimes silly distraction is good, sometimes it's not.

I'm proud of you for working out today despite fuckin' Frank in New Jersey. Asshole. You showed him.

On a side note, I called Ramon to wish him a happy birthday and he had forgotten it was his birthday. But since I reminded him, he decided he would take himself for a drink later. As if he doesn't do that every day of his life.

He also told me he'll be coming to Kalamazoo to sign some paperwork for the bank/mortgage refinancing. Now he wants to coordinate it with Giselle so he can make a financial contribution to our show. I wonder if Sher would even let him in. . . .

I am not riled, I am not anything; but what the hell am I doing? Pretending everything is fine? I always thought if we broke up we'd still be friends, but am I ready? Am I capable? Am I sabotaging myself from being with someone who is capable of being with me in the way I want?

Trifles, yes, in contrast to your life shit at this moment, so please feel free to disregard the previous three paragraphs.

Another trifling aside: I went to TJMaxx after we hung up this afternoon and bought my cuz a set of three little Lenox picture frames and myself some rhinestone hoops to go with my party dress (the circles of rhinestones have become a leitmotif in my ensemble: the earrings reflect the shoes. . . . will anyone notice? Do I give a flying fuck? yes and no, but I'm working hard just to be myself--no less and no more glamorous and fabulous than I am in actuality. how's that for growth?)

No more drinkie-drinkie all by yourself, okay? Or maybe switch to red wine. Spirits do the crazy dance with your already weeping heart. Make sure to take deep breaths and get theeself to the grocery store for some Amy's as soon as possible. And call me! Cuz I luv you!

I hope your sixth sense will bring yougood things only! I dunno about Ramon's birthday, though. I think you should do what makes you feel least uncomfortable and know in your belly is best. Because you can't sit around worrying over not doing it if you really want to, or doing it because you feel like you should. Shit, I say--

Well, I dunno. That's a really tough one. We should talk about it in the morning.

I just ate 18 pieces of grocery store maki. I wasn't hungry.

I just found out my grandpa has prostate cancer. He's 83. No one is sure when he was last tested, so there's no way to guess how far it might have progressed. He won't take the test to find out until Friday, and we won't get the results until Tuesday.

My mom is kind of a mess. I see now why she wanted me to come home. I don't think I'll be able to break down until I know what his odds are. Right now, I'm just kinda numb.

He can't fucking die, though. He can't.

I always assumed he'd live as long as his mother. He's always been the heartiest member of the family, too. Worked six days a week for as long as I can remember. Almost never sick.

I want him to walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. So I think he can't die, for my own purely selfish reasons.

I think I'm gonna lose my shit if he doesn't pull through this. I mean, he's basically my dad. Did you know my youngest uncle is only 12 years older than me? I feel like I'm the baby of my mother's family. And Pop is my dad. He's certainly the only man I have ever felt has loved and supported me unconditionally, in my life, ever. I love that man so much it hurts. And this shit is flipping me out now, so I'm going to stop talking about it.

Sorry. Anyway, I'm going to go do some research.

Hope things are good on your end! Ballet went well? Talk to you soon, chica!

I hosted a little preliminary lunch meeting/training for my future ARC kids today and got assloads of cookies, pizza, mountain dew, you know your usual college fare plus a bag of apples and animal crackers for the diet conscious. I ate a slice of mushroom pizza and an apple, and am mildly feeling like a cheat. But I'm working hard to reign myself in and say a damn slice of pizza can be a part of a healthy diet as long as the dieter chooses not to obsess. I hate those obsessive dieters; they're so irritating. But isn't that what I've become?

No running today; just ballet tonight and training tomorrow with Tracy. I am trying to protect myself from fitness burnout. I don't understand the concept of moderation, and I am trying to teach myself; but it's a little like the blind leading the blonde, if you know what I mean.

I feel change a brewin' darlin' and I hope it's good. I felt change a brewing 11 years ago right before I got diagnosed with cancer, so I'm always a little fearful when my sixth sense kicks in in this way. I'll keep you posted.

I'm just looking forward to relaxing for a little while, starting with Chicago!!!

On a side note, tomorrow is Ramon's birthday and I'm debating whether I should acknowledge it or not. I want to because I'm thinking about him and I want to be kind, but then again, why should he get the benefit of my love?

Aargh.

Lay off the coffee flavoring and any other food item (unless it's pickled) purchased at Marshall's or other discount/defect stores. It never works out; trust me. I once bought a dozen boxes of fancy chocolates on clearance at Marshall's with the intention of giving them as gifts. They were all stale and narsty.

I still haven't bought my cuz a wedding gift. I think I'll head to TJ Maxx tomorrow and look for something. I am so opposed to the idea of a wedding registry that I simply will not participate. Electric frying pan and batteries, my arse.

How you?

I have just totally ruined a perfectly good iced coffee with a "chocolate raspberry" syrup which tastes remarkably like perfumed vomit.

I am so proud of your restraint! That shit is hard when you're under pressure. Hell, I just ate a whole Clif bar instead of the half I'd intended just reading the MoveOn Pac petition. And all I had to do was fill out the damned form.

Urg. Yesterday was a major lapse for me. Once my folks finally arrived I was all stressed. I dragged them to Ruby Foo's and I had, like, 20 pieces of maki, some chicken pineapple fried rice, AND dessert. Meep.

And I shamelessly had kettle corn later that night, too. A whole bag. So today, I'm making up for it by doing a very strict meal-without-snacks plan. The Clif bar doesn't count. It was part of lunch.

You are an enormously productive lady. You shouldn't feel like you are any steps behind! That worries me. Even though you have a bunch of time off during the week in theory, you are allways working! I still think you should move to Europe, though. I was dreaming yesterday of the same thing. I just have to figure out how to get one of those crazy Euro-mags to hire me as a gossip bitch or what have you. Yeah, that's it! Did you read the NYT travel mag piece about Montenegro? I think the author's name was Janine somethingorother, and she was talking about mentoring under Dessa somethingeasterneuropean, an Eastern Europe correspondent...you could do that, no? Be a correspondent? Would you hate that?

I did not see Frank today. I think I might try to see him tomorrow or Wednesday though. But I cannot do that whole Thursday thing again! I cain't!

And I am really much happier lately, getting up at 9 or 9:30 and spending heaps of time in the gym and cleaning up, rather than my old plan of late sleeping, 30 minute workouts and 5 minute showers. That made me kind of miserable. So I know what you mean about putting everything off until you've had your breakfast and run and bath!

Yes, I'll call you tonight! I'm working, but I'll buzz you late this evening. You are in class until 9, yesno?

. . . and I didn't eat a thing! Hooray for me, hooray for me!

Now I think I'll go have an Amy's lasagne to celebrate!

teehee.

Er, no, that's truckin', isn't it?

I woke up to this beautiful morning and decided no gym. Can't do it. So, I did my 20 minute core secrets dvd and then went for a 45minute run. It's so nice to be outside on a glorious day!!

Did you get out yesterday?

I ate my way through last night. Not great, but not too bad either. I need to be firmer with myself about the no eating in front of the tv rule. I'm officially reinstating that rule starting right now.

After my run I had 1/2 a cantaloupe with cottage cheese and three cups of coffee with skim milk. Oh and lots of water. Then my belly felt sooooo full it was terrible. Liquids are good for that. I just had a luna bar at it was soooo tasty. Dangerous, I tell you. Now I have to write a preview (based on the interview yesterday) and try to do it without eating everything in the house. In fact, I will not eat a thing until I get the preview written.

Sheesh.

I'm getting burnt out on all my work. I keep telling myself I'm working hard to build something here; I'm young, I got nothing else going on, so why not? But I've figured out why not: because I'm fucking burnt out, man. And slacking. The work is never done and even though I know rationally I am incredibly productive, I always feel like I'm two steps behind and slacking like crazy. It's a terrible way to live. I started fantasizing about moving to Europe this morning, where the pace is much better, I imagine. I feel like a casualty of our culture. Fuck it. I can only imagine how you feel living in Manhattan--where the pressure is 2,000fold what it is here in the 'zoo.

But, we can only do what we can do, and I'm proud of myself for consistently putting my fitness first. I have a shitload to do today, but I wouldn't do anything until I'd done my exercise, breakfast and luxurious bath. I like feeling human before I begin any tasks, don't you?

Let's chat later, dahlink, and would you please write something? I miss your wit!

I am taking a day off, dammit!

I am proud to announce that I had a personal best yesterday as I crossed the Race for the Cure finish line in less than 27 minutes! Last time I ran a 5k my pb was just under 30.

My mama and Nick came out to watch me run and we went for pannycakes afterwards. Them was good, too. Next time you come to Kal I'll have to bring you to Food Dance Cafe for Pannycakes.

Then my mama helped me clean the house a little and we went and bought shoesies (more sandals from Shoe Carnival) and then we went and bought meat and buns and I grilled burgers and made a couple veggie salads and we ate dinner like summer queens out on the deck overlooking the lake. Nick was pooped after all that walking and running and swimming. Summer is a different world around here, and I like it.

So, as you can see, I was lax about dieting, but hell, gotta take it easy once in a while, no? And damn was that burger good! I can't even remember the last time I had red meat. Mmmmm. Sorry, I'll stop now.

Did you hear that Karzai gave the commencement address at BU? How come we got stuck with George Will? Dang. We sure did make the best of that day, didn't we?

I think we should take a little trip to Boston. Wouldn't that be fun?

Talk later?

Silly all-or-nothing gals that we are, this is a difficult concept to grasp.

I think you need a day off.

Just as I was getting all self-righteous and pretending I've figured this shit out, the bottom dropped out. A little. I am being totally forgiving with myself, though.

Last night, instead of stopping at Meijer to buy eggplant and zucchini, I went home and ate a can of tuna with celery, cuz I was tired. And on deadline. Bad combination. You know what I did. Instead of having a nice cup of tea and hammering out that mofo story, I sat and watched Will and Grace, then the apprentice, then ER. All the while snacking, and I wrote it all down: cantaloupe chunks, 4 ggs with fat free cream cheese and sugar free jam, creamy chai, 2 sugar free fudgsicles, an egg white omelette with fat free cheese and ham, 2 apples with peanut butter, a chocolate brownie clif bar and 2 glasses of skim milk with walden farms chocolate syrup. I just kept eatin'! And did I write that story, even though my editor had already called me at 5:30 asking where it was? N. O. Well, yes. Actually I just filed it. I figured, whether I file the mofo at midnight or at 8:45 a.m. she's not gonna get her hands on it until she strolls in this morning at 10. What's the difference?

Sheesh.

So, I guess the thing is taking care of ourselves does not mean working out so hard that we're draggin' our skinny butts around our respective towns and eating as little as possible, which seems to be the course we've been on. I think that's a good set up for some crazy bingeing rebounding, a.k.a. last night for me.

Also, be careful with those Clif bars--they are too handy and too delicious. I have them on hand, but I try to keep them out of sight. At 250 calories a pop, they add up quickly, and they are really meant as a high calorie snack for mountain climbers and shit. The luna bar (I especially like the chocolate pecan pie and nuts over chocolate flavors) at 170-180 calories is a better bet for me, even though they carry the same risks.

You know, I did not feel well this morning when I woke up. This could be because I had to write a silly story, but more likely it is all the food I had in my belly when I went to bed. It really does feel much better to eat less. I mean, my joints were sore, I felt heavy, etc. I also think I might have a mild allergy to peanuts, but oh how I love the peanut butter. It might have to go in the bin, though. Naw, my mama will take it off my hands.

I need to go buy some groceries and have some good stuff on hand all the time. I was running low last night. I know if I'd had some of my Zuch/eplant parma I'd have been satisfied. but then again, it was all about the deadline and the nervous eating. I need to think on better ways to avoid that pitfall. Any suggestions?

Good thing I'm seeing Tracy today. She'll kick my heiny and I'll go long on cardio. Now I think I'll go eat more eggs and fat free cheese. Oy.

See, this is the thing, I know. The binge last night really wasn't all that devastating because for the most part it was all this diet-y low cal food ('cept for the peanut butter by the spoonful straight from the jar). I'll chalk it up to a little metabolism rev and plan on not doing it again for a good while.

Kid gloves. No shame. I get enough of that shit from my grandmother. I'd like to slap her with my kid gloves.

How'd you like The Mother? I found that film particularly disturbing, and I actually credit it with inspiring me to get into sessions with Pam. It made me realize how frighteningly like that lady my mama is in her sweet manipulations and selfishness. Sometimes art can open yer eyes a little too wide.

Talk later?

NO to swim lessons on top of an hour with trainer Frank and an hour of cardio!

Why did I do this to myself? I am sooooo tired.

I wasn't even supposed to go today. But I did. And all I had to eat today was that half cup of yogurt, nova sammich and gazpacho. All through the lesson, my instructor wanted to beat me with my own flippers, I'm sure. I just couldn't do it! He was looking at me like, "You are totally retarded." Except in the friendliest, most encouraging, "I'm dealing with a four-year-old" way possible. So, "You are a totally retarded four-year-old, so I will be nice and encouraging even when I want to beat you with your flippers." He's pretty funny. I give it two more lessons before he gives up on me. Ha!

So, three hours of training/exermacise for me today. I never want to be one of those hot celebrity women who do this shit every day. Never.

Now I am starving. Okay, I'm a long way from starving, but I AM really hungry, and it is taking herculean will not to run over to Uno to get a personal deep dish and a peanut butter cup dessert, lemme tell ya.

I'm having my last Amy's (shepherd's pie!) instead. I think I may have to eat something else though, like smart dogs, 'cause I don't think this is gonna cut it! It's just a little carb-pie.

Mmmm. Clif bars. I'm all out. I think I'm going down to DR to get some more. Not only will they likely prevent the kind of hungry/tired I am right now, I could use something sweetish that will not make me want to kick myself.

I am so sleepy! But I just got The Mother in my Netflix mail, so I'm going to watch it tonight. Woohoo!

You are an excellent motivation buddy! I'm glad this is working out so. I think it's really helping. I seem to be inching back to the 180s, thank heaven.

Okay, if you're up for it, gimme a buzz after your cruisin' story! If'n ya ain't, well, buzz me when ya is!

Talk soon!

So, I'm avoiding writing my silly "cruisin" to the beach story and rereading our bloggyblog, and I'm so glad we're doing this! It really is such a good motivator for me to work out and eat good things so I can report it back to you! Hooray and thank you for coming up with the idear and setting up the blog.

I will begin ballet in 35 minutes, and that'll be an hour of barre and another 1/2 hour of rehearsing, and that is enough exercise for today. Tomorrow I'll be hitting the gym with Tracy the trainer and then doing my own cardio (btw I only ever do 1/2 hour following my 1/2 hour with Tracy, so when you say you ONLY did 45 min. of cardio I think, HUH?), so I don't mind having a lightish day. Plus I'm doing the race on Saturday. . . .

Anywho, this is what I've eaten today:

10 am creamy coffee, 1 egg, 2 whites omelette with mushrooms and fat free cheese, 1/4 cantaloupe

12 luna bar

2 taste of a choc. truffle and a Clif bar

2:30 skim latte

4 2 ggs with laughing cow and ham, apple, yogurt

And plenty o' water

After ballet I'll have to write the mofo story and then I think I'll stop at Meijer and get more eggplant and zucchini for my delicious dish--that shit is like crack, I swear, but legal (even calorically speaking. . . . ).

I hope you've recovered a bit from your mad workout today--getting clean and eating helps. Just remember when you're feeling super sore, it means you're building beautiful muscles and all your hard work is paying off. . . .

I am a new woman.

$214 later, I should be. But money is nothing, dahlink, when the credit card company has increased your spending limit.

My blonde and curly-curls have been refreshed, my mustache and errant eyebrow hairs removed, and my spirit renewed. It's amazing what a well-timed trip to the salon can do for a gal's whimpering soulstate.

They were even giving away samples of hair products and locally-made organic truffles. It was like a dream sequence in the midst of a dark novel.

Now I am sitting at my favorito coffee shop sipping a $4 skim, decaf latte with sugar free almond flavor, gleefully hooked up to the free wireless connection and feeling fine. No exercise yet today, and that is fine, too.

Outside the heavens are pissing on Kalamazoo and withholding sunlight, but the light is in me, if only for a moment.

Goddamn, I don't know what they're putting in the hairdye these days, but it's some good shit. And fuckin' cheap compared to cocaine.

I just got a brilliant idea. How about we each start a little savings account for our fabulous holiday--whether it be Vegas or Scotland or whatever--and set a certain amount of money to put in and a goal to be reached before we tap into it. For example, I'll put $25 a week into my savings account and when my weight dips below 140, I can tap into the account for our holiday. Or, we could just set a goal date--and until that date we commit to the gym three times a week and keeping an honest food diary. Something like that. What do you think?

You are fabulous, woman. Cheer up! Also, I really am shitastic sometimes. Quite often, really. It's one of the things I most hate about myself. I find myself to be a horrible person, very selfish and often just not nice. This is not an attempt to get you to say, "no you're not!" by the way. 'Tis one of the issues I need to deal with, and yeah, in a bunch of ways, I am. So, thanks for not ditching me as a friend! Teehee!


Saw Frank the trainer again today. This time we only used giant bouncy balls and those crazy giant elastic bands. Oh, and a step-thingum. And do you know what he recommended?

CORE SECRETS! Teehee!

All around it was a good workout. After the hour of muscle torture was up, I put in an hour on the elliptical machine. And with those two days of working out back-to-back combined, I am in pain. I didn't even get to wait until tomorrow to suffer. Booo!

I had some yogurt and coffee pre-gym, and a nova on health bread sammich post gym, which was kind of a terrible cheat, but I was so hungry after the workouts I thought I would fall over on the sidewalk! I'll have some more of my unpleasant gazpacho for lunch, too, after my shower.

Trainer Frank also said next week I should try splitting my meals into half meals--eating half at mealtime, and the other half an hour-and-a-half later. I suspect this will be really, really difficult. I mean, damn, half a cup of just-add-boiling-water minestrone might almost make life not worth living. Almost. But I'll do it for a week, anyway.

Okay, I smell like sweaty ass, so I'm going to hop into the shower. I got the old phone back up and running, so you can call me at the normal number again if you need anything or want to chat, okeleydoke?

Later!
:D

Your comment on my last post just made my eyes tear up--thank you for being such a sweetie-pie, loyal, consistent, loving friend. And funny as shit. That combination of admirable attributes don't come together very often. I LOVE YOU, TOO!!

And you are not shitastic for jumping into your own shit yesterday--totally understandable, and the immediacy of your concerns trumped mine, anyway. Mine is mostly old shit reappearing (how come the shit reappears, but the fleeting moments of joy are gone forever?--sounds like a bad brit pop lyric).

Anywho, last night I was actually really, magnificently tired and slept like a dead dog. It's amazing what all that working out does to a body, not to mention the emotional drain of the flowing tears. I'm really fine. Just needed a shitpile of sleep, which I happily reveled in. It actually feels really good to be tired, tired, tired and HUNGRY (physiologically speaking). I think these yearnings largely make up what it is to be alive.

So, thanks muchas for the pep talk, and I wish you could come to Wis with me--we could hope from hole-in-the-wall dive bar to hole-in-the-wall dive bar eating pickled eggs and brussels sprouts (it's a Wis. bar thing--they're not ALL about cheese over there, you know).

As for you, I have a powerful sense that whatever happens in your working world, you're gonna land on your feet (rather than lying on your back with feet up in the air like a dead bug--or curled up on the floor in a fetal position--both positions you might have metaphorically felt yourself in over the past months). Things are gonna change for the better, darlin', for de bode of us. . . . if only in the sense that we will feel empowered by our dedication to ourselves--physically first (cuz as hard as it is, it really is the easiest) and then on to the other biggies. . . .

And, on a lighter note, I'm getting my hairs done today--blondie on top and ripped out of my brows and lips. Hooray!

Dang, I wish I had a man to sling my leg over his shoulder. Tracy doesn't do shit like that with me. . . .

Good for you, lady! I think choosing a calorie-contained arsecream bar over a ginormous something or other is a big deal--hooray! I'm glad you got to see Layer Cake again, too. I can't wait to see it now.

The body connection thing is a tough one--I think it makes perfect sense that we distanced ourselves from our bodies at a time when life was very painful and disassociation from the body meant disassociation from life and its pain; hence the food as medication, bingeing and buttery spaghetti sandwiches that led to weight gain. It's a coping mechanism--one that's difficult--even painful--to replace. I can tell a difference when some shit happens and I choose not to eat over it--it's hard to choose to actually experience the emotion, rather than soothe myself with food and then hate myself for bingeing--it's a brilliant, distracting technique that has gotten me through a lot of shit. Now it's time to find new ways to get through the shit, cuz the shit just keeps coming.

More on that later. In a chat. My fingers are already getting tired.

I made sure to eat well last night (meaning I didn't skimp) and when I woke up this morning I was even more sore--curse those hopping squats! So, I decided to forego the run before meeting Tracy and had breakfast (2 GGs with laughing cow and ham and coffee with milk). Tracy kicked ass today! Mostly arms, but I'm loving it! They're sore as can be--we hit them from every angle--and it's astonishing to me how much harder a movement is when you actually do it with good form. Tracy was telling me how she's seen people at the gym every day for years and their bodies don't change cuz they're not doing it right. How sad is that? I am so grateful for Tracy. I think I'm seeing more muscle definition in my arms, still flabby, but the muscles are fighting to be seen!

Then I saw Pam and cried and cried because I'm losing my office space next year and will be forced to share an office with someone I can't fucking stand. I cried about it yesterday, too. And I've come to realize this is about so much else--it's a pattern, it's my ugly duckling syndrome, it's not belonging, not being wanted, not being made space for--but then again it's not about those things either. That's why I cry. Oy. I'm fixin' to tell the mofos to take this job and shove it, but I'm trying hard not to make decisions out of anger or fear. So I'll sit with it. And try not to stop for a bagel on the way home. I need a nap. Maybe a run later and a hot bath.

Oh, and I booked a flight to Wis. for my cousin's wedding and called my grandma to see if she could pick me up at the airport and let me stay with her and she said yes and then came up with a million reasons why she really couldn't, including wanting to be early to the church and not wanting to get her party dress wrinkled en route to the airport. I told her I didn't know why the hell I was coming if I couldn't even get her to pick me up 20 minutes from her house and then I hung up. Fuck. Why did I decide to go again? Again, it's the space issue. I'll have a think on it, though.

I hope you're having a lovelier day than I am!

I bet you're right about your pants fitting better. You have been one hard workin' mama! Your snacks sound really good, too.

Yeah, you should probably hit the snacks and caffeine pretty hard to push through your tiredness. Are you doing sports drinks? With all your working out, I'm sure you're losing electrolytes, and that'll mess up your body. Make sure you're getting enough balance! Have you talked to Tracy about all the extra stuff you're doing (dance, running, training) ? Maybe she can recommend a good system of eats and drinks to keep you going on days like this?

I'm about to go and finally make this gazpacho before my produce goes to hell. I'm sure I will think it lovely and delicious tomorrow, but for now I just don't feel like making it!

I am getting better about the way I think about food in relation to my body. I'm getting the second-day soreness now, and it's made me very aware of myself, my body*, throughout the day, since all of my major muscle groups ache a little.

As a result, I've been more mindful of what goes in, today. I only did 45 minutes of cardio, and had nothing but coffee beforehand. After I got home, I zapped myself an Amy's broccoli and cheddar pot pie, had 2 more ryvitas with fish paste, and some Diet Pepsi, and headed off to work. After work, I had another Amy's pot pie (I love them!). Right around then, as I had hardly eaten anything (I think that all together rings in at about 1000 cals) and I again became convinced (or whatever word I may otherwise use in our private convos) that the axe would soon fall, and I decided what I really needed in my life was a giant double-scoop of sweet cream arse cream in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone. Then I thought, no, I'll go see Layer Cake again and pick up a full sundae from Emack on the way!

Then I started chopping some veg for that gazpacho, and thought some more about how I'd feel if the axe did finally just fucking fall already (!) and I thought, eh, it's not as bad as all that. And then I realized it was getting really close to movie time and so I rushed straight there without benefit of arsecream, promising myself if I really, really wanted some after the movie and my diet pep hadn't killed my sweet tooth, I'd stop and get some on the way home.

And then I watched that Craig fellow sauvificate his way through that movie and I thought, I wouldn't mind having someone like that. Which led to the, "and I need to be a wee bit (ginormously) fitter to increase the odds" internal pep-talk, which made me think, um, no arsecream.

But when I came out, I still wanted some, so I made a little tradeoff and went to a corner store and bought one of those Hagen Daas icecream bars (for nearly four motherfucking dollars, I might add, only in this crazy-ass city is a goddamned pre-packaged ice cream bar four dollars), which would give me a nice, contained, single-serving treat of deliciousness at 320 calories.

It were yummy. Unfortunately, I ate it over an FHM at B&N and dropped some on the mag, and then had to buy it. Well, I could have just shoved it back on the shelf and slunk away, but I'da felt bad.

That was way too long. Anyhoo, trainer Frank called and said he has to go out of town tomorrow, so no Wednesday session for me. Looks like it'll be Thursday, instead. I'll have to go through my routine tomorrow on my own! That'll be interesting, to say the least.

Oh, also, while I was perusing magazines, I found one called TravelGirl that seemed interesting but I wasn't the craziest about the content. Still, it made me want to do some travel writing. I would really, really, really love to get away for a few months....

We'll see. If I win the lottery, though, I'm doin' it, and you're coming along! LOL!

Hope you are feeling better soon lady!

*as an aside, this whole working out with trainer thing has made me think about what you said Pam told you about trying to connect with your body. I've realized I have very serious issues with it. There is nothing like catching yourself feeling sorry for your trainer (as he slings your leg over his shoulder to stretch you out post-workout) for having to do so, and not being able to look the man in the eye, nor look yourself in the eye in the gym mirror as you work out. Meh.

Running today was hard. Legs sore from the hopping squats or squatting hops (perhaps I did both)--them gams feel heavy like lead as I lift them up and pound the pavement. Ipod helped muchas.

Now I gots ballet to look forward to tonight. Last Thursday I went too long without eating and had a hard time making it through class, so today I'm getting smart and bringing a 5 o'clock snack to help me push on through.

I tried on my blue motivation pants today (a little overzealous, perhaps, but I pride myself on being o.z. at times), and I swear they fit a little better than when I bought them on Sunday. Could this be possible? I'm gonna stick with yes simply for motivation's sake.

I also tried different food today, which was a little bit fun (like so many food things these days when it is scarce compared to the bingeing days of yore). For breakfast I ate 4 GGs with my dilled egg salad, chopped up carrots and celery, 1/4 of a cantaloupe and three cups of delicious creamy skimmy latte coffee. This was after my challenging run, so it was all the more delicious for the mere fact that I was no longer pounding the pavement. I also broke my tv watching while eating rule and tuned in to the View, which is a guilty pleasure of mine. We would be so much better than they are--don't you think? Who else would we have on our version of the View? Sher and one of your Yalies? Wouldn't we be fab?

Anywho, back to the new food. For lunch I made Dr. G's green and white dip, consisting of 1/2 cup ricotta with sauteed spinach, italian herbs, salt, pepper and 2 T of mozzarella melted on top (I added tiny broccoli florets and red pepper flakes) which I ate with yellow pepper slices, cucumbers and celery. Quite filling and rather tasty, although it needed a little something else--soy sauce, maybe? I don't know, but I really enjoyed the texture and creamy deliciousness. I followed it with a cup of chai and am happy as a clam. In fact, so happy that I'd really like to blow off the rest of the day and nap (the exercise is getting to me--I can tell I'm hitting a little wall, damn hopping squats. But when this happens we must remind ourselves of the prize: for me, svelte thighs in my blue trousers and a slimmed down self in a white tutu and pink tights (one can't hide a thing in those buggers).

. . . or so goes the U2 song I never knew existed. Just another reason to love Bono, although I think he's referring to lactating breasts. Nah, it's probably something biblical.

Anywho.

Tell me more about your training. And I'll tell you what I've eaten today.

breakfast 10 a.m. coffee with skim milk, soy creamer and splenda, egg white omelette with mushrooms, broccoli, spinach and fat free cheese, handful of cantaloupe cubes

lunch 1 p.m. egg drop soup, half of my szechuan shrimp and steamed rice, coffee with half and half

snack 3:30 2 GGs with laughing cow and ham, apple

snack 5 clif bar and lo-carb yogurt

dinner 6:30 eggplant and zucchini parmesan, two garden burgers, two mints and a fortune cookie

I sent my students off into the jungle of Kalamazoo to bring back story ideas, so now I'm here blogging and eating dinner (which I though I wouldn't get until 9, and that's why all the concentrated snacking late in the afternoon). I love snacks. Not getting too hungry and not eating too much is such a delightful and refreshing way to live. Sheesh.

Tell me more about your day, dahlink.

Well, well, I'm glad to hear the smartdogs and sauerkraut is working for ya. I think that somehow once your system gets used to the increased fiber, most of the stank factor (in all its forms) disappears. Or maybe I'm becoming oblivious to my own farts.

I hauled my ass to the gym this morning just for my own self--no Tracy appointment--and I worked hard! Not as hard as when I'm with Tracy, mind you--I did two sets of things instead of three and just kind of tinkered around as quickly as I could then hopped on the ARC thingy for 40 minutes. But I'm proud of meself for going and making real a third day of weight training per week.

The upshot--why I didn't lead with this speaks to my shoddy journalism training, no doubt--is that when I hopped on the scale it read 160.4, nearly 4.5 pounds down from last Wednesday! It's working, it's working! Granted, I was premenstrual last Wednesday and now presently menstrual, so it could all be bloat weight gone, but what do I care? It's motivating, man! And I do think that eating right is the key beyond keys for weight loss--first and foremost we gotsta get a grip on the intake. I'm glad that even with the Saturday night drinkies, cakes and midnight omelette, it's panning out. I guess that's another good thing about being consistently careful about what goes down the hatch the rest of the week.

Yesterday I bought a girdle. This to me is a sign of maturity and intelligence. And a likelihood that I do not expect to get laid when I wear it. Let me explain: I realize and accept the fact that purty little lacy and sexy knickers and braziers rarely translate into purty and sexy when ill-fitting (which they always are on me) and beneath clothing. Despite my girdle's godawful beigeness and non-slip straps and the fact that the 75-year-old German lady who sold it to me at Marshall Field's told me she was wearing the exact model at that very moment and what a dream it was, it is fabulous in that it smooths out all the unseemly bulges and creases in my torso. This is a necessity when wearing a shiny, silk, relatively hot pink dress to a wedding one is attending without a date.

On a much happier note, I bought two pairs of trousers and two tops at the Gap--all on clearance. One pair of trousers is chocolate brown and fabulous and I am wearing them right now, and the other pair is kind of a dark and faded sort of ocean blue, but more neutral than that. They are low-rise and hit me right at my most bulgy spot beneath my belly button and they are a smidge too tight. Well, if smidge too tight means from my knees to my belly becomes instant sausages. But I can button and zip them and I'm certain less prudent folks would easily wear them in my state of (the way they) fit. However, I bought them and hung them up on the outside of my closet so I see them first thing in the morning and think how badly I would like them to fit really nicely so for the rest of the day I will do everything I can that will lead to that end. If you have an item of clothing you would really like to fit into, I strongly encourage you to put it somewhere you can see it regularly. It's a good motivator.

And most importantly, I now own a pair of green shoes and a pair of blue shoes. I love them, and now I should be done with shoes, but I have a feeling I'm just getting started. . . .

Tell me, dahlink, how did your session with the trainer go today? I am so eager to hear, and I hope he kicked your ass just enough that you feel fabulous!

Oy. Last night I dreamt I ate a cheeseburger. This is what happens when you let one meat into your diet. The rest begin to call to you, woooooooooooh, eeeeaaaaaat meeeeeeee, etc. and so forth.

I think I'll go buy some Boca burgers today, and some sprouted grain buns, and try to pretend it's more delicious than a real burger. Ahem.

I'm trying to decide whether to go to the tattoo convention, as I suddenly have an overwhelming desire for another tattoo, but I think that may be the very reason why I shouldn't go, because they will be doing tattoos on site.

Hm.

Ooooooh, I just got a serious caffeine and Clif bar high, I'm going to the gym. Call ya later?

I had a treacherous dream last night that involved a little boy who was really Ramon and a swimming pool filled with old ladies and a tempting, giant slice of chocolate-toffee and peanut butter pie. I'll have to give its meaning a think. . . .

So, yesterday I stayed highly motivated and after the gym session did a ballet class and stuck to my clean eating. Then after dinner I got hungry at about 8:30 and so I ate up two smart dogs with sauerkraut. But that only adds up to about 120 calories or so and no starchy, so I figure why not? It's no fun going to bed hungry.

Today I haven't exercised, but I have ballet and rehearsal tonight. I'm feeling the weight-lifting of yesterday, but not too badly. I can still walk stairs with very minor discomfort. I'll have to tell Tracy to push harder next time. Which is tomorrow. Yay!

So, how you doing, especially in light of patergate? That's some tough shit, lady. Take care of yourself and we should talk. Are you off today?

I was perusing the weight watchers website and they have some good tips and pointers there for free! Some interesting articles and helpful motivators, I think.

Well, I guess that's all I have for now. I just finished writing a press release for "Giselle" and now I'm off to grade papers and have coffee with a student and a lady in the education department who wants to tell me about a new publication in town that I or my students might want to write for. Eh. I'll have a looksee.

Hope you're having a good day. Let's talk, okay?

Okay, let's both try to lose 10 pounds by Blues Fest. I know we can do it! Because after my first session with Tracy the wonder trainer I have some of the secrets. I will share them with you:

1. Thou shalt weight train three times a week. It is not an option not to do this.

2. On those weight-training days, thou shalt weight train before thou does cardio.

3. On days thou does cardio alone, thou shalt do it before eating (otherwise thou shalt only burn up the food, not the fat stores thou wants to deplete.)

4. Thou shalt refrain from eating starchy foods after lunch.

5. Thou shalt drink a gallon of water per day.

6. Thou shalt write down what thou eats including portion sizes.

So, there you have it. Numbers 1, 3, 4 and 5 are biggies, says Tracy.

My session was good. I feel renewed.

I got fat calipered, the unpleasant experience of getting pinched in all kinds of places that in order to be reached, I had to remove articles of clothing. I was pleased to discover that my bust and waist measurements are smaller than they once were; I kind of have the sense I'd like them to be more like 36", 28" rather than 39.5", 33.5". Also I officially weigh 164.8 lbs (after a cup of coffee) and have 30% body fat, which apparently should really fall somewhere between 18% and 25%. It is good to have a clear picture of these things so I can see where my journey begins and where I need to go.

I'll be working with Tracy twice a week for 6 weeks and doing my own weight training once a week on top of my PT sessions with herself. I'll keep running 3 times a week and dancing and mixing in some cardio machines at the gym and maybe a spin class or two.

I'm also back in town with the Thin Commandments principles, and so far so good. I'm managing to eat a whole lot less without feeling deprived. I've figured out it's better if I don't try to count calories because if I discover (or believe) the numbers to be low, I try to catch up quick with fudgsicles (don't get me started with the whip cream--which I've banned from my supermarket trolley) and any number of other sweet things like fruit which can be just as bad as anything else sweet and delicious if you eat enough of them (which I have a tendency to do).

A typical day looks like this:

for breakfast: coffee with soy creamer, an omelette of one egg plus three egg whites and fat free cheese and veggies, a couple of strawberries

for lunch: a couple of GGs with two laughing cows, an apple, a low-carb yogurt --or-- an Amy's frozen entree

afternoon snack: skim latte

dinner: my favorite tilapia with lots of veggies and salad with fruit and/or fudgsicle for dessert --or-- instead of the fish I have a three smart dogs with sauerkraut and mustard (the German in me comes out--I can eat mustard straight from the jar, and I discovered in the midst of many Guinness after many Old Styles last weekend that my dad does the same thing when given the chance).

Not so much food, really, and relatively low-carb in comparison to what I'm used to scarfing down; but honestly, it's quite satisfying (unless my emotions get in the way--of course I'm working on sitting with my loneliness and that helps and hurts at the same time) especially when I drink all the water I should. I think it's a good idea to drink as much water as possible without drowning first thing in the morning--at least that's what Tracy says. I love Tracy. Tracy loves U2 and just returned from a semiannual trip to Las Vegas--she's going to make a list of the hotels we should stay at. She also said there's something about Las Vegas that makes you not need sleep. Sounds good, no?

Also, I've imposed the rule that I will not eat in front of the TV, whether film or bullshit sitcoms. This dramatically reduces my snacking impulse and removes the mindless eating habit for the most part.

So, these are my tips and pointers for the day. I'm feeling a renewed sense of pupose on the quest to be fit and flabuless; I hope it transmits in tact to you via our bloggy-blog.

I encourage you to take the gym up on the 15 minutes of PT time--the extra motivation always helps! I am so happy to add Tracy the trainer to my team of experts that include: Dr. Rosenbaum the Jewish chiropractor, Pam the buddhist therapist, Dr. Wang the Chinese Dermatologist, Terry the fabulous hairstylist. It's good having people on your side in the name of self-improvement and (at some point) maintenance. I feel totally privileged.

Who, besides me, can you get on your side, dahlink?

I say today is the day we look at ourselves, as we are, and say this is it: the moment is now. There is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow. There is only making good choices about our health and our lives right NOW.

Whaddayasayhey?

I've not been great about what I've eaten the past few days, but I've definitely been worse, so I'm not going to stress too much about that.

But dang, I think I'm gonna have to work even harder to lose my blub when it comes to the gym. Sigh. I might as well just resign myself to spending all my free time there. I'd like to drop about 10 pounds by Chicago, and that is going to be serious work.

I'm going to try doing a minimum of 60 mins of cardio 5 days/week from now on. And my gym is offering 15 minute consultations with a trainer for free. Fifteen minutes! Dang.

Anyhoo, last night I discovered I can do belly-rolls! It looks kinda weird under my tum-blub, but I' ve always wanted to be able to do belly-rolls. Have I been able to do them all along? WTH?

Can you do belly rolls? Do you have to practice or does it come naturally?

How was work the other day? My evil phone cut short our conversation. Dammit. Call ya later?

Have a beautiful sunny day, dahlink!

Oh, also you package will come on Thursday, okay?

:D

Hi there honey chil'. I sent my students off to report, so I thought I'd blog a little. We'll be doing some exercises with voice when they get back in 25 minutes.

Umm. I feel the earth has moved under my feet; thus, I have shifted. Feeling way less lousy and much more like myself. I'm meeting Tracy the trainer on Wednesday and I went for a kick ass run this morning before 8! Even though my ipod pulled a Nia and froze up on my ass as I was running' down Westnedge, I did not panic and finished strong. So proud of meself. Can you tell?

I popped into the Mac store on Mich Ave in Chi-town (remember?) and bought meself an armband holder majig for running with the lads (U2), a clear case and a voice recorder accessory. I am jammin'. Except when she freezes. Man did that thing get hot all up against my sweaty arm. Maybe that's why it froze. Doesn't that seem rather paradoxical?

I cooked up a nice mushroom, egg white omelette for brekkie, and had my famous creamy, lemony tilapia with tomatoes and olives for lunch. No dinner yet, but snacks of laughing cow and GG, apple, and yogurt. I feel pretty durn good. I feel like I've turned a corner on my food-crazed madness of yore. Gots ta keep it up now. I think the trainer will be great motivation, plus seeing you in the Chicago Blues HEAT and my cuz's wedding and Giselle. I figure the slimmer I am, the better I'll feel and perform in all these functions and more. This is my self talk that I am sharing with you. Can you glean a benefit for yourself? I've got my eye on summer fashion and keeping my sweaty thighs from rubbing together by reducing their size. . . .

Okay. We'll just have to chat soon, cuz we got more catching up to do than I can cover in this here blog.

I hope you're having a fantastic week--looks like you got some good blogging in while I was away. That's a good sign, no?

Dude, I totally just ate your lighthouse. (Hurr hurr hurr)

I started with the left rock, then the right, and then the tower, and then it just disappeared in an alarming frenzy of lighthousemunching. (hurr hurr hurr)

I can't even believe I could eat the whole thing at once. But I did. And it only took, like, 5 minutes.

I had it with coffee.

I am so ashamed. And so sorry. But the craving overwhelmed me!

I'll make you another one. A bigger one. A better one. The head on this one looked a little funny, anyway.

Also, do you have the Rattle and Hum DVD?

Hope you're enjoying your laddies!

I feel more human again now that all 6 (count 'em, 6) stories are finally fucking filed and I got my ass back to ballet and even squeezed in a session with Pamela, Kalamazoo's own Buddha. We've decided there's a shift in plate techtonics occurring in the ground beneath my feet, and that's probably for the better. If she says so, then I buy it.

I hope yer having fun on your day off. I hope you are actually having a day off. . . .

I did not eat like a madwoman today, so my hat's off to myself (baby steps, baby steps). I finally got a hold of Tracy the trainer and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday morning (hooray!). Let the ass-kicking begin.

Glad it's not tonight, though. Cuz I'm tired. And hungry. Been a while since I've felt hungry. That must be a good sign.

Oh. I also registered for three classes in the fall, and I'm excited. Although I'm guessing something's got to give: taking 3 classes, teaching two, and runnning an academic resource center, not to mention Gazette writing and ballet dancing. Harumph. The possibility of being a full time student is mighty enticing yet awfully frightening at the same time. What to do, what to do?

But the best part is I've signed up for a fiction writing workshop with Stu Dybeck, Tracy Kidder's best friend. ha. who says you can't name drop in kalamazoo?

. . . This much (my arms are stretching from San Francisco to Boston with the non-arm parts of me plopped in Kalamazoo).

An excellent theory yet distressing if true because balance in terms of career don't look so hot for the next four years or so. I don't wanna wait that long for my un-Ramon. Let's call him Brad.

Which brings me to State of love and trust. That's a biggie. I guess that's what I'm working on, too. Gotta work harder. Or maybe just wait more patiently. Harumph.

Thank you for your U2 advice. I've decided not to beat myself up too much about it, cuz at least I wasn't eating cheese dip and guacamole and french fries and pizza and chocolate cake, right. I stuffed myself with organic, vegetarian frozen meals and fat free squirt cream and popcorn. By the way, all that watermelon you scarfed is good fer ya. Be proud. It's like drinking water with extra fiber and antioxidants, I'm convinced. Plus, think of all the calories you burned lugging that sob to your apartment. . . .

And I did the protein breakfast with veggies then had yogurt and an apple for a snack. Coffee with soy creamer (have you tried that stuff? Nice and creamy and only 15 calories per tablespoon. Beats skim milk all to hell). I also filed those three stories this morning, breaking my deadline binge cycle. Hooray!

I've been thinking I need to start drinking more. I bought all this damn wine, hoping somebody delightful might show up to drink on the deck with me. But maybe if I'd just bust open the wine in the evening, it would relax me and make me forget about food. Is this a healthy substitution/acceptable behavior modification?

Oh, and I called the hairless beast himself this morning. Just to say hey, what's going on with the house. cuz I was tired of thinking about it and stalling about sending a letter. And you know what he said? Nothing, as usual. He said he doesn't know--if he can continue to afford the house he wants to keep it and I should stay, but things could change if he can't refinance and interst rates went up and blah blah blah. SO I said please make up your mind and let me know before the fall cuz I can't be moving once I start the crazy school and extra job schedule. he said he didn't foresee a change in the immediate future. then he had to catch a plane to New Jersey because he's in the running for a job there. Sounds like nothing's changed. He is still chaos incarnate and that chaos is still a part of my life, although much less than it once was.

The upshot is I had absolutely no emotional reaction to him or his voice. But now I wonder if I just need to bite the bullet and move my ass out just to disconnect.

Any thoughts?

Oh, and please do move next door (to wherever I am) not as a crutch but as a highly positive direction toward exactly the life you want. (me,too). Then we can drink together. But will we still blog?

That's a Pearl Jam lyric that's been on a loop in my head lately. I think I might spend some time Thursday making a coop-flying, open-road-hitting freedom muzak mix. Yes, U2 will be involved ;P

That Oprah's nutty. I haven't watched her show in so long. I did watch Conan last night though. The Rock was on. It was such a treat for the eyes and funnybone. And I just thought, how could I make these two men into one? And then seduce him? Just an aside.

Jeez, I just read about your day yesterday, you poor woman, you was workin' like crazy! At least you felt good about what you'd done, though. My goal is definitely to fold myself into the right circumstances, and hope that, therein, I am not as incompetent as I seem to be in my current circumstances.

I definitely know from nervous eating. 1988-2000 could be called my nervous eating era. Shit, I ate myself from an already chubby 135 lbs. at 9 years old to 186 lbs. at 10 (I'd been in 3 different schools in 2 states in those 12-16 months), 241 by 13 (one school, but it was full of Bible-thumpers and I was living with--and way too indulged as a kid by--my sweetie gran and gramps), and a fluctuation up and down between that and 220 until I was 22. So yes, I didn't see the 100s again until very recently, dear. As an interesting aside, though: it is only now, after having a few smaller years, that I have been able to really tell when my weight fluctuates. I can't feel my skin stretch, as you say, but I can feel extra jiggle in unusual places when I gain a few. Blech.

I'm also sorry to hear you're still sufferin' so much with the work stress. It's really difficult to simply stop that kind of stress-eating, though. Have you tried some sort of behavior substitution? I wish I could help, but I've barely had any success. Hell, lately the most relief I've gotten was through blogging.

How did your interview go? I'll call ya to get the scoop.

Today was alright for me. Other than an arse of coffee, which got me through the morning, I had some lowfat yogurt with a few sliced up strawberries, an Amy's veggie pot pie, (which I loved!) and I'll probably have some more berries later.

Ah, yesterday I ate a whole quarter of a watermelon, though. I'm not even properly ashamed. Just amazed.

I squuzzed some gym time in on a break this afternoon, and so far I've only put in 8 hours of work today, with another 2 likely, so today has been technically less difficult. I did have a weird point today, though, when I walked into the office and I swear it was like a weight just settled in my gut. I still don't feel great about the next few weeks-months. I think I'm beginning to realize I perform a pretty dramatic personality split during my work hours and I'm not sure I like the work me, but I'm also not sure I could do my job as the me me, but hell, who says I'm doing a good job of it, anyway?

Eh. That's shizzle for another blog, and I'll be damned if I start an eigth (I've culled a few over the months, but I've got 4 now. 4!)

Talk soon, like tonight, if you can squeeze it in? I don't want to disturb you if you're on deadline.

Chow (thoughtfully) bella!

and the fat on your colon. Well not your colon specifically. Now she's looking at dead constipated folks' colons slit open.

But that's not what I really wanted to talk about.

I have got to come to grips about my nervous eating. Or whatever it is. I applaud myself for not stopping for more bagels today, even though I really wanted to. But I slap my wrists for buying peanut mandms and a whatchamacallit candy bar and eating them in quick succession with a glass of skim milk right before I did an interview. It's like I'm stuffing down my emotions. My pants are feeling tight and I swear I can feel my skin stretching. That ever happen to you?

So, I did the interview with a 19-year-old drummer in Detroit with Williams Syndrome and now I'm looking around at the crumpled wrappers and wondering what the hell? I put myself into a trance with food and it's terrible. Got to work on mindful eating. Eat things, and know that I'm eating things, and enjoy them. What a concept!

Tracy the trainer called--apparently she's not in Vegas until next week after all, so I'm taking this as a sign from Gawd abuv in heaven that I need my ass kicked. Now.

I'm feeling totally stressed about work this week. I'm making myself a little sick and I'm skipping ballet tonight to work on some stories. It's just too much. Geez. Are we having the same week or what? And we ain't even over the hump. If I get cracking and get a couple pieces done tonight I'll be in much better spirits tomorrow. And hopefully nothing else will have to give.

Sheesh.

How you?

I have had a terrible two days.

Well, hang on.

Some time Saturday I weighed myself and found I had mysteriously dropped 5-6 pounds. I have no idead how that happened, unless my new workout strategy--longer periods of faster cardio with less resistance (read: I used to do 30-45 minutes of elliptical training on levels 12-15 out of 20, averaging 50 RPM, but now I do 30-60 mins of level 9-12 at 65-70 RPM). I don't know if my diet has been all that respectable. Anyway, some pounds were gone.

Sunday mornin' I had a big ol' bowl of Special K and some chai before I raced upstairs to work. It was a 14 hour day, though, so I think I only had a Nile big minestrone, some matzoh and a few pear slices during the day. At the end of the day I had some of my own leftover fatty shrimp chow fun and someone else's leftover peanut noodles (bad, bad, bad).

Today was another long day, 12 hours straight. All I had all day was starchy carby food. Leftover strawberry bread for brekkie, a half a bagel and a matzoh for lunch, a half a bagel and a matzoh for snack (what in the hell?) and I just had a solid protein dinner: eggs n' beans. I think I'll have a salad later tonight just so I can have something fresh in my system. I fear that, by the end of this week, I'll likely have gained it all back in bloat, at least.

You have made some wonderful points herein, m'dear. And of course you're right. We must treat and see ourselves as we see each other (and you know I love and respect you to bits, right?). But isn't that the bane of women everywhere? Bending over backwards to give to others what we never bother to give ourselves?

I'm so glad you are having good times with the sweetie dawg! If he weren't a dawg I'd call him a pussycat! I know you will, anyway, wontcha? (I have been fantasizing about a life with pets recently, and I think I'd want a big doggie like Nick. But I was reading through a site Jung sent me a link to and I hit on something: a scimitar. I'm always picking out pet names, I guess the way most people pick out baby names. Anyway, I think it would be fun to get a tiny, shivery, yappy dawg and name him Scimitar the Bone Crusher. Maybe two--the other could be named something like Devils' Bane, Trusty Steed. Is it wrong to want a pet solely for the sake of irony?)

God, I don't take anything seriously, do I?

I will take my body seriously, though. I'm headed to the gym for a quick work-out.

How are you doing today, lady? Don't let the upstarts get you down! Hope you're having a fabulous class!

This is what I propose we call our new blog as soon as we stop stuffing our faces with starchy foods and get to the point where we're beating off the beautiful, smart, kind, funny and a little sassy men with sticks. Whaddayathink?

As for you, is for me. But I gots ya beat all tah hell and gone as far as carb abuse is concerned. I stopped off at the Panera and got myself 3 bagels and ate them on the way to my interview at Ballet Arts Ensemble where I was meeting a photographer to capture (not literally, mind you) three lovely, sprite-like high school age ballerinas, the sort of girly-girl I probably would have hated in high school for no damn good reason save for the non-size of their thighs. Afterwards, I stopped off at the other Panera to get more bagels only to find they were all out (gee, perhaps a couple of me's stopped in previously and cleaned the place out), so I bought two cookies, a scone, and a giant diet pepsi to warsh it all down. Mind you, this all happened after a morning of an omelette with spinach and tomatoes, coffee with sour milk (don't ask), 6 bran crackers with fat free cream cheese and strawberries, two energy bars, two droste dark chocolate coins, a black bean burrito and an Amy's tex-mexish bowl. Need I say I was on deadline? I gotsta quit working from home or something.

The good news is I filed the story, graded 8 papers, conducted four phone interviews, confirmed a photo shoot, put a call in to the personal trainer, bathed, primped, did the aforementioned in-person interview, prepped class and taught class. All in a day's work, lady. Now, the thing is, I feel (and look) bloated, but I feel good about what I've accomplished and frankly, a little energized. This in the face of a 14-hour day (so far). Now. I say this not to irritate you, but to juxtapose it with your 14-hour day that has left you sapped and to make the point that yes, you too (U2!) can work hard and feel like yourself and proud and like you've achieved something as long as you fold yourself into the right circumstances. Which I know you can. And. I know you will. Because I believe in you. Lady. Friend.

Alright, now I'm tired. And if any of that came off as even the slightest bit self-righteous or condescending, please forgive me. It comes only from the purest place of love in my heart.

So, I'm having a kind of thin day--put in perspective by my not inhaling everything in the house this weekend. Being around a happy dog and going on six or so mandated doggy walks a day has helped immensely. I put on my jeans today, still tight around the thighs at first pull on, but now they've loosened up and I decided I need to, too.

Thin days have nothing to do with anything real, I've decided. It's all hormones and bloat (or lack thereof), don't you think? I haven't lost a pound, but today I feel better about my body than I did a short period of time a couple years ago when I weighed less than 140. It's all about the 'tude. So, here's what leads to the kind of 'tude adjustment that makes one feel thin: fiber and fresh things down the hatch, outdoor exercise--even just a few 15 minute walks in the fresh air, seized moments of kindness (both sent and returned), wearing real clothes (not just sloth-like jammy pants cuz no one's lookin'), and taking the time to really look in the mirror and see what is unconditionally lovable.

See you the way I see you; the transformation will be instantaneous!