Wednesday, May 18, 2005
leg slinging trainer
Dang, I wish I had a man to sling my leg over his shoulder. Tracy doesn't do shit like that with me. . . .
Good for you, lady! I think choosing a calorie-contained arsecream bar over a ginormous something or other is a big deal--hooray! I'm glad you got to see Layer Cake again, too. I can't wait to see it now.
The body connection thing is a tough one--I think it makes perfect sense that we distanced ourselves from our bodies at a time when life was very painful and disassociation from the body meant disassociation from life and its pain; hence the food as medication, bingeing and buttery spaghetti sandwiches that led to weight gain. It's a coping mechanism--one that's difficult--even painful--to replace. I can tell a difference when some shit happens and I choose not to eat over it--it's hard to choose to actually experience the emotion, rather than soothe myself with food and then hate myself for bingeing--it's a brilliant, distracting technique that has gotten me through a lot of shit. Now it's time to find new ways to get through the shit, cuz the shit just keeps coming.
More on that later. In a chat. My fingers are already getting tired.
I made sure to eat well last night (meaning I didn't skimp) and when I woke up this morning I was even more sore--curse those hopping squats! So, I decided to forego the run before meeting Tracy and had breakfast (2 GGs with laughing cow and ham and coffee with milk). Tracy kicked ass today! Mostly arms, but I'm loving it! They're sore as can be--we hit them from every angle--and it's astonishing to me how much harder a movement is when you actually do it with good form. Tracy was telling me how she's seen people at the gym every day for years and their bodies don't change cuz they're not doing it right. How sad is that? I am so grateful for Tracy. I think I'm seeing more muscle definition in my arms, still flabby, but the muscles are fighting to be seen!
Then I saw Pam and cried and cried because I'm losing my office space next year and will be forced to share an office with someone I can't fucking stand. I cried about it yesterday, too. And I've come to realize this is about so much else--it's a pattern, it's my ugly duckling syndrome, it's not belonging, not being wanted, not being made space for--but then again it's not about those things either. That's why I cry. Oy. I'm fixin' to tell the mofos to take this job and shove it, but I'm trying hard not to make decisions out of anger or fear. So I'll sit with it. And try not to stop for a bagel on the way home. I need a nap. Maybe a run later and a hot bath.
Oh, and I booked a flight to Wis. for my cousin's wedding and called my grandma to see if she could pick me up at the airport and let me stay with her and she said yes and then came up with a million reasons why she really couldn't, including wanting to be early to the church and not wanting to get her party dress wrinkled en route to the airport. I told her I didn't know why the hell I was coming if I couldn't even get her to pick me up 20 minutes from her house and then I hung up. Fuck. Why did I decide to go again? Again, it's the space issue. I'll have a think on it, though.
I hope you're having a lovelier day than I am!
Good for you, lady! I think choosing a calorie-contained arsecream bar over a ginormous something or other is a big deal--hooray! I'm glad you got to see Layer Cake again, too. I can't wait to see it now.
The body connection thing is a tough one--I think it makes perfect sense that we distanced ourselves from our bodies at a time when life was very painful and disassociation from the body meant disassociation from life and its pain; hence the food as medication, bingeing and buttery spaghetti sandwiches that led to weight gain. It's a coping mechanism--one that's difficult--even painful--to replace. I can tell a difference when some shit happens and I choose not to eat over it--it's hard to choose to actually experience the emotion, rather than soothe myself with food and then hate myself for bingeing--it's a brilliant, distracting technique that has gotten me through a lot of shit. Now it's time to find new ways to get through the shit, cuz the shit just keeps coming.
More on that later. In a chat. My fingers are already getting tired.
I made sure to eat well last night (meaning I didn't skimp) and when I woke up this morning I was even more sore--curse those hopping squats! So, I decided to forego the run before meeting Tracy and had breakfast (2 GGs with laughing cow and ham and coffee with milk). Tracy kicked ass today! Mostly arms, but I'm loving it! They're sore as can be--we hit them from every angle--and it's astonishing to me how much harder a movement is when you actually do it with good form. Tracy was telling me how she's seen people at the gym every day for years and their bodies don't change cuz they're not doing it right. How sad is that? I am so grateful for Tracy. I think I'm seeing more muscle definition in my arms, still flabby, but the muscles are fighting to be seen!
Then I saw Pam and cried and cried because I'm losing my office space next year and will be forced to share an office with someone I can't fucking stand. I cried about it yesterday, too. And I've come to realize this is about so much else--it's a pattern, it's my ugly duckling syndrome, it's not belonging, not being wanted, not being made space for--but then again it's not about those things either. That's why I cry. Oy. I'm fixin' to tell the mofos to take this job and shove it, but I'm trying hard not to make decisions out of anger or fear. So I'll sit with it. And try not to stop for a bagel on the way home. I need a nap. Maybe a run later and a hot bath.
Oh, and I booked a flight to Wis. for my cousin's wedding and called my grandma to see if she could pick me up at the airport and let me stay with her and she said yes and then came up with a million reasons why she really couldn't, including wanting to be early to the church and not wanting to get her party dress wrinkled en route to the airport. I told her I didn't know why the hell I was coming if I couldn't even get her to pick me up 20 minutes from her house and then I hung up. Fuck. Why did I decide to go again? Again, it's the space issue. I'll have a think on it, though.
I hope you're having a lovelier day than I am!
// posted by divine m @ 3:05 PM 
Comments:
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I LOVE YOU, and you are no ugly duckling, and that office deal is incredibly shitty, how DARE they, what are they thinking?!?! And that whole deal about your gram is terrible. If you can't rely on your family, who can you rely on? Which I'm sure is not an exactly helpful observation. I'm sure she loves you, though, in her own twisty-bendy way. Hell, if it weren't scheduled for a day I'm workin' I'd come out and join you in Wisconsin just to see it and show my support! Heck, I still might, lol.
Sorry I launched right into my own bullshit today without thinking about what you were going through! I'm shitastic sometimes, and that ain't right.
I do hope you are feeling better and more good with yourself. You have done a lot to be proud of, woman! You may have told yourself you've been doing all this working out for the wedding, but you haven't: you've been doing it for you, as a way to get the relatives who refuse to see you for the magnificent creature you are to do so, and because it makes you feel good, so screw that wedding stress! You could have just squzzed yerself into a girlde from the get-go, or been happy with a poopie dress, but you weren't. You decide to make yourself into something you thought was better. You didn't take the easy way out.
I'm rambling now, buy you get the idea. You are fabulous!
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Sorry I launched right into my own bullshit today without thinking about what you were going through! I'm shitastic sometimes, and that ain't right.
I do hope you are feeling better and more good with yourself. You have done a lot to be proud of, woman! You may have told yourself you've been doing all this working out for the wedding, but you haven't: you've been doing it for you, as a way to get the relatives who refuse to see you for the magnificent creature you are to do so, and because it makes you feel good, so screw that wedding stress! You could have just squzzed yerself into a girlde from the get-go, or been happy with a poopie dress, but you weren't. You decide to make yourself into something you thought was better. You didn't take the easy way out.
I'm rambling now, buy you get the idea. You are fabulous!
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