Fit + Flabuless!

I don't know, lady. I'm feeling a little lost. Why are the highs and lows, the bits of wisdom and moments of complete confusion so close together?

I feel at war with myself again. The stress of starting teaching and school again is giving me heart palpitations and a strong desire to eat french baguettes with butter and chocolate chip cookies. All natural, of course. Somehow, that doesn't at all feel like a triumph.

I woke up long before dawn and ate some granola and toast to prepare for 18 miles of running that has yet to happen. I just couldn't haul my ass out of bed again. I guess I'll go this afternoon. It's muggy and threatening to rain, but whatever. Why does running long distances not feel much like an achievement anymore? I feel terrible that I'm not doing more, not working harder, not eating better, but at the same time I feel rotten for feeling terrible about it, not recognizing my achievements, not loving and honoring myself where I am. God Damn.

Maybe shit's just catching up with me. Like the ex's visit.

I know I'll feel better after I run, but getting out there is getting harder and harder. And I know the harder it is to lace up and hit the road, the more I need to do exactly that.

Maybe I need to shake things up a little bit. Maybe I'll take a spinning class tomorrow morning and yoga tonight. Maybe that'll help.

Any ideas what else might help? Or is this one of those moments when I need to not make things happen? Is this one of those many moments when I need to learn to sit with my grief and observe? I'll be surprised if that ever gets easy for me.