Fit + Flabuless!

Oh sad.

2005-12-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

But perhaps you are right.

The blog may be dead, but the fitness is still alive! I hope?

Signing off

2005-12-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

I believe this here blog has run its course. . . .

Good luck in the continuing quest for the fit and flabuless!

Ooh my aching self

2005-11-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

TTT kicked my upper bod today and I love her for it! She distracted me from the pain of really heavy chest and shoulder presses by telling me stories about and imitating her drag queen friends and acquaintances. You have no idea how hard it is to bench press 2/3 of your body weight while a 5-foot tall bubble-butted blondie body builder prances around like a queen. She also gave me a derishus, citrus-cilantro scented candle and a t-shirt for my birdie last week.

Pam gave me a beautiful heart-shaped stone yesterday for my birthday, too.

I am realizing something huge, at a heartfelt level here. Y'all are my family. I was born into some crazy shit, for better, for worse, but I've cultivated a family around me who are not related to me by blood. We are related on a much deeper plane. We choose to connect not because we have to, but because we truly care about each other.

How fucking great is that?

I likes it. I've also realized that my love and connection to hooligans such as Dr. Dr. Ramon and Mr. IB isn't about a sexual love, it's about family. Those mufuggahs are my family. They know me, they get me, they've seen me grow up right before their very eyes, they put up with me from time to time, they piss me off royally, but they're there for me in the ways they can be. And most of the time, it ain't enough. Ain't that family?

I feel liberated.

Into the gray

2005-11-29T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well. It's tough to feel fabulous or flabuless after the splendiddley time we had in SF. Nuthin'll ever be the same again, as far as I'm concerned.

And this is a good thing.

I hit the gym hard yesterday with TTT--burned up 600 cals or more on the ARC and then did a serious leg workout. Today I'm feelin' it. Might run later.

I've been eating eggs, cans of soup and Amy's frozen dinners. I ain't grocery shopping before I head East. Hell with that.

I feel invigorated by the trip--centered and happy to be me. Working on learning to embrace my largesse wherever I am, not just in places where it is particularly appropriate, i.e. San Francisco. I'm learning to sit with my longing, observe my own desires rather than aim for instant gratification and/or satiating desire. You can learn a lot about yourself by being present in your own desire without being attached to the expectation and potential pleasure that might come out of satiating the desire.

This means: I don't have to move to SF right away; I don't have to wear a size 4 jean; I don't have to be in a relationship with anyone but myself right now; I don't have to eat dessert with every meal; I don't have to ever run a marathon again; I don't have to work for peanuts in the hopes that one day the institution I work for will create solid space for me.

I am Fine. I believe walking that labyrinth with the intention of Clarity has already kicked in. My aim is to enter all things the same way I entered the labyrinth last Thursday: open to observation, receiving, and meeting myself exactly where I am.

Big, fat, juicy kisses to you and Mr. C for coming out to SF, for witnessing my life, for letting me be who I am--for better, for worse, and for all-around being the finest, fun-est travelin' (aka, whorin'drinkin'brawlin') partners around. Being with y'all helps me be who I am. Cain't ask for better than that.

Self-hate in a box!

2005-11-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

Not really, but I wanted to keep the theme of boxes going.

Went to the new gym again today and put in a full hour on the elliptical. Their elliptical machines are some different model than the ones at the old gym, but the same manufacturer. This is only important because, after an hour on these new ones (which has been my standard-length workout, you know) at lower resistance, I thought I was going to die today. Like, almost-blacked-out-felt-nauseous-got-weird-dizzy-sweats-and-had-to-sit-down-for-a-really-long-time- thought I was going to die. Either those machines are a lot fucking harder, or something is suddenly very wrong with me. Yeesh. I really am quite concerned.

Anyway. My really-long sit-down happened to be in front of a full-wall mirror in the ladies' locker room, and as I sat there struggling to recover, a few things occurred to me:

1. I am such a fucking pear. It irritates the shit out of me.
2. I've lost a lot of weight. And yet, I'm still really fat. It irritates the shit out of me.
3. I've been working out regularly for over a year, and I like it and feel better, but still am quite unhappy with my body, which, in case you hadn't guessed, irritates the shit out of me.

So now I'm thinking maybe I should join something like that evil LA Weightloss or something. Because I really just need to concentrate on losing fat. And that tends to do that rather quickly.

I know you say we are only separated by a few pounds now and I can't complain like I used to, but the fact is, even if we weighed the very same, I'd still be fatter. I just would. I'm shorter, for one thing. And, well, I dunno, something is just different. I think I could honestly need to lose another 60-70 lbs. to look normal. So I reserve the right to continue to complain and make crazy crash-diet plans while simultaneously encouraging you to love yourself as you are.

Feel free to start throwing things at your screen.

Cake in a box.

2005-11-18T15:37:00.000-05:00

So, my colleague brought in a homemade chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting today. She told me she was going to. It's one of the reasons I hauled my dead ass into the office on a day I really didn't have to. Because she was on her way out as I came in, and I arrived in her office announcing I was on cake patrol, she gave me the last two slices in a cake box. 'Course I ate 'em already. Right out of the box. With a blue plastic fork. As I was huddling around the box and shoveling in bits of cake, another colleague came into my office to ask me a question.

Caught!

We laughed our asses off.

Now I'm suffering from a weird sugar headache/buzz. And my teeth feel furry.

I am not to be trusted around cake. Dammit!

And it ain't even my birthday yet!

Other than that, I had a good workout today with TTT. I sandwiched it between two cardio sessions, and dang if I wasn't sweatin' a good bunch. Good thing, too--almost cancels out the cake-in-a-box fest!

How you?

A little behind.

2005-11-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

Both what I am in posting, and what I want in my life.

Well, I got up early yesterday and hiked up to the new gym location and put in 40 minutes of elliptical excitement, for a grand total of 80 minutes of activity.

I planned to do it all again today, but then I got terribly sick, so I've been sleeping off and on most of the day.

I have actually eaten today though, bad things, o'course, because Dr. P. was still here until late this afternoon. So I had a cupcake for breakfast, a hummus/baba sandwich and fries for lunch, and I've just had dinner of boniato mash and ground lamb leftover from the meat pie prep, and some bacon.

I said it: bacon.

Did you know turkey bacon and regular bacon has the same number of calories per slice?!?! I thought I was saving calories by eating turkey bacon! Turns out I'm only saving fat! Damnit!

Oy. I'm about to hit some more Theraflu and tuck in for the night, in hopes I can sleep this cold off before tomorrow, since I will be working every day for the rest of this week in hopes of earning extra cash for the trip. Oof.

Ms.ladysisterfriend--

2005-11-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

Whuzzhappenin' in your fit and flabuless world these days?

Aunt Flo came to visit early today, which explains my crankiness and bloat, especially yesterday.

I've been good and running, except for yesterday and today. Tomorrow I'm back to TTT.

I'm hungry.

You?

The universe plays funny tricks.

2005-11-12T20:16:00.000-05:00

Funny might not be the right word.

For example, on the very day that your too-tight jeans fit and you declare renewed long-term commitment to exercise, your fucking gym closes house. Damn. At least you were looking around for something new anyway, right? Perhaps the universe is trying to help you make a choice. Perhaps it will play similar tricks in other areas of your life. . . .

And I don't exclude myself from this trixy universe equation. I'll be forced to make all kinds of choices here pretty soon. Stay tuned. . . .

In the meantime, and on the fit and fabuless front, TTT kicked my lower body hard on Friday and I am feelin' it. Feelin' it even more after I went for a 40-minute run this afternoon. Running is good. I should do it more often. It makes me a better person: less moody, better at inhaling and exhaling, less likely to eat pancakes in the middle of the afternoon cuz I'm bored, etc.

I acquired more chicken breasteses from the organic butcher and I've already set them to crock potting. Oh how I loves the one-pot meals. I believe the Germans have a name for such hearty, homestyle, culinary delights. But I'll be damned if I know that word.

Today the sun shone clearly over the lake and a warm breeze wrestled with the fallen leaves. I can't believe it's almost the middle of November and so fucking glorious. Made me get out and run.

I might try to haul my ass to the gym tomorrow and do an upper body workout and spinning. I miss the spinning. I love the weight training, and I'm wondering if I'll get fitter faster if I double my efforts (as in four times a week instead of two). Might be asking too much with my schedule, but we'll see.

It's so disheartening to be working, working, working, and see no real results. Bummer deal. I guess I have to be patient with this thyroid game and just keep doing what I'm doing right. Maybe this is a better approach anyway. No crash dieting, no crazy fitness plans I can't sustain. This has to set me up for life. Cuz this thyroid thing isn't a one-time deal. It will always be with me and I'll always have to fuck with it. Argh.

Oh, the demons. . . .

As I sit here, tappety tap tapping...

2005-11-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

I am reveling in the feeling of those damn jeans I've been bitching about forever perfectly hugging my imperfect ass.

At last, they fit without struggle. And this is after the smothered fries and pastrami and wings and apple pie weekend. While I'm on my period.

Amenhallelujah!
Hallelujahamen!
Mummerofuffleaggieramtamalingdang!

Hot damn! So relieved I'm a-speakin' in tongues!

I'm off to put in my fifth consecutive gym day, man. Because if that's all it takes, shit, I'm about to live up in that piece...

You ain't nuts.

2005-11-10T20:22:00.000-05:00

You're just having a rough go of things, lately. I know how you feel. I myself have slipped quietly into pensive-misery mode, for various reasons, which you know, and also guess who's surfing the crimson tide right now, and is as such extra maudlin?

We will have a grand time, you know. Oh goddamn, I still haven't ordered that cake. What did we decide on, again? Ladybug? Chocolate swiss hussy cake or whatever it was called? Lemme know so I can actually really do that tomorrow. Shit, I also think there have been evil changes to my flight plans that I have to check out now...

In other news, I have been very good about the fitness plan this week--I've made it in to the gym every day since Monday, including three hour-long cardio sessions, one 45-minute long cardio session, and a self-directed strength workout. Big whoops for me, yay. Eating has been...eh. Okay. Today was very good--superfood juice, coffee, most of a Clif Z bar, steak, salad, a candy apple (ok, so not great, but not horrible, either). I'll be trying not to screw that up before beddie-byes tonight, but as I am about to head to the starchucks to NaNo, I might get a pumpkin muffin in there too. That or a little pumpkin spice latte. Mmmmmmm. Yummers. What? I don't do both anymore, at least!

Today I had another session with Lynne and talked about all kinds of random things, but really we talked about how, even with all the trauma I endured as a child, in some ways I was a little princess, so now when I go out into the world and face rejection or criticism, I shut down as a defense and flee situations that could lead to said criticism/rejection. True that, sisterLynne. I kinda knew that, though.

Anyway. Talk later?

Keep in mind I'm fuckin' nuts, okay?

2005-11-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

And I'm blaming it on my thyroid for now. But it's terribly frustrating. Side effects that started out orgasmic have suddenly metamorphed into a flaming skin rash and a numb tongue (Tweren't the lollipops and Mr. Goodbars a'tall). I see my doc tomorrow, but in the meantime, I'm fucking miserable and seriously depressed, to boot. I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself, but it's so hard. And you know, thanks for reminding me that you love me, because when a gal's feeling lousy and depressed and completely isolated, it's easy to forget such blatantly obvious truths. So, it's me who's so solly. . . . But I'm still crazy.

And rude. I know it's just mean to say I'm not looking forward to SF when I've orchestrated the whole trip, made myself the center of it, dragged you and Carlos into it to spend your hard-earned money and time with a bunch of hooligans (whom you'll love, by the way). We'll have a ball, no doubt; but right now it's hard to see that anything will be okay again, ever.

Mind you, a tweaked dose of TSH could make me a walking orgasm again. Which I'd prefer. Of course, now I realize that what I thought was orgasm might actually have been little seizures. Not good. And in fact, could freakin' kill me.

Which sometimes doesn't sound like such a terrible alternative, honestly. But then, there's depression for ya. The real problem is t'ain't nothin' sounds good or worthwhile: living, dying, working, sitting on my ass, dancing, dating, writing, not writing, here, there, running, standing still. Even potentially scoring a ticket to U2 doesn't thrill me the way it should. I guess that means this is serious.

Grrr.

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!

2005-11-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus Lord, woman!

Not good. Not good at all. What is wrong? I mean, I know there have been some things here and there but I didnae realize it was really bad.

I sowwy! We must chat (uninterrupted, this time.) You free in the morning?

You know we all loves you!

Funk.

2005-11-07T18:32:00.000-05:00

And not in the good, "We got tha . . ." kind of way.

No exercise today, my tummy hurts from eating too much curried chicken and the rash on my neck is itchy. No wonder I'm in a funk.

Not to mention San Francisco doesn't sound like fun anymore to me. Too bad I've already spent 900 gaddamned bills on it.

I just don't feel like being in my skin anymore. Maybe that's why I developed this rash. Yeesh.

I also can't find my freakin' iPod and it's depressing the hell out of me.

I'm a mess. And I'm tired of being a mess.

It must be time to go dancing.

I'm just tired of all the shit, man. Tired of working so hard with no payoff--literal or otherwise. Tired of wanting stuff that never shows up. Tired of being tired. Tired of trying to correct a destroyed thyroid. Tired of being fucking cheerful and inspiring for others when inside I'm all damp, crumpled, dead leaves that have fallen off the dying trees. Make those curried, damp, crumpled, dead leaves.

Oh fuck me. This is just depressing.

You still having fun on Coney Island? How many hot dogs have you eaten today?

Aaaaaaaand I'm back

2005-11-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

Yup, eatin' crazy all weekend.

Like, buffalo wings and smothered fries crazy.

Pastrami sandwich and apple pie crazy.

Just, bad (derishus) stuff.

Also, I'd like to point out that them there shots we did with out bartender were not on me...they were on the house. Yup, our bartender gave us free rounds and did shotties with us. Loves him. I do. In case you were wondering, he was at our favorite skinny, poetic pub. We're going there all the time when you come.

Anyway. I need some greens and fiber in my life at this point. I really, really do. So I went and steamed up some rapidly disintigrating asparagus and turned it into a cold asparagus salad and I think that will be my lunch today, man. Mmmm, fiber.

Back on the path, more or less (Well, you know, there will be slips as long as there is fun to be had).

How you?

tight fitting jeans

2005-11-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

I tried on every damn pair of jeans in this dreary town yesterday, and I finally, finally went home with a pair of Calvin Klein's that shows off my ass-ets in its/their best light, methinks. But damn if buying new jeans isn't a harrowing experience. I tried on everything from sixes to fourteens and nothing quite fit until my strangely blue CKs came down the pike, or rather, appeared before my eyes on the rack. I'll be wearing them in SF, so you'll get to see my ass in these pups. Lucky you!

And I see why you have been neglecting this blog with all your cheap drank drankin' and wing wingery going on with Dr. P. As long as you're having fun, lady!

I've been cooking up pots of weirdly delicious things like miso soup with cannelini and mustard greens and a lovely crock pot full of organic chicken breasts with curried tomatoes. Hopefully it'll help shrink my waist on the way to SF. All I want is to feel good there, here, everywhere, you see? Dang.

Haven't properly worked out since Thursday; that's why I'm attempting to focus more on diet. I'm telling you, I'm golden as long as I cut myself off at a certain time. That time has been 6ish lately. Works, dude.

And I've booked my trip. Flying into LGA on Dec. 1 and flying out on Dec. 10. We should be able to work some good, fun times in together, dontcha think?

Keep having fun, lovey, and please post something soonish rather than laterish!

How come you even weigh yourself?

2005-11-03T18:41:00.000-05:00

The ups, the downs. . . . as long as you end up on the low end, I guess. And better to know, I s'pose. Not me, though. No going back to the scaley scale. TTT told me I look skinny today, but she might just be being sweet cuz she no showed yesterday. That's okay. I'll takey the complimentos.

Remember how I wanted a sammich on Tuesday? Well, today I ate three. Naked. Not me, the sammiches. Meaning no mayo or anything so not so fatty.

Yesterday I killed my legs all by myself at the gym after a bunch of ellipticallying while waiting for TTT. Then I went for a run in the evening just cuz it was so purty out. Today TTT slaughtered my upper bod--that shit I can't do on my own. I'd poop out.

Early this morning I attempted to be nice and avoid parking in the maintenance guy's pile o' leaves in my parking spot, but in doing so, I hit the metal pokey thingy coming off of his stupid little golf cart, seriously scraping up the side of my car. I tried to be all cool about it, but then I burst into tears.

I HATE being out of control. Which is exactly what Pam and I talked about today. All I can do is take care of meself which happens to mean allowing myself to be vulnerable emotionally. I'm capable of receiving physically, but emotionally is another story, seeing that I grew up as an emotional barometer and human shield for everybody around me. It worked for me, though, cuz it let me be in command. So, now letting myself be vulnerable and not being in charge of everything and everybody and not having all the answers and not even really knowing if there's ground beneath my feet really sucks for me. But I'm working on stepping aside from the shield . . . trusting others to take care of themselves so I can have a little fun.

Damn if life isn't hard. I'm tired. But I want to hear more about your Pammy, aka Lynn, or rather how you've changed in her presence.

When we finally do talk, remind me to tell you about my conversation with my former Dr. Dr. P.

Thursday Three Play!

2005-11-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

Or something.

So. Eats. Aside from the bacon cheeseburger madness from Tuesday night, I've been quite good so far this week. Soup, roasted chicken, more soup and roasted chicken...a salad! Once I had a salad! Weehaw!

Excercise-wise, I'm doing okay. I skipped yesterday, but did cardio Monday, Tuesday and today, plus a strength workout today. And I'm right where I was pre-starchfest weekend, which is amazing, because that means I've lost four bloat pounds in three days.

Saw Lynne today. She's very interesting. She manages to tell me I'm a failure but pick me up by saying I really shouldn't be. I'll explain on the phone.

Anyway, I am going to go have some lunch (soup, maybe I'll go crazy and have some tuna salard, too).

Sigh.

How you?

God help me.

2005-11-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

I've eaten nothing but Halloween candy today and now I can't feel my tongue. Imagine what that shit is doing to my insides. mr. goodbar my ass. Too bad I can't find a mr. goodbar to keep me warm at night.

No run this morning. Marathon day of teaching, reading, writing, meetings, taking class, then going for beers. I should eat a sandwich for strength.

Actually, a Guinness before the meeting that may seal my fate as a professeur might better supply the strength I'm after.

Was there a time when life was good?

as long as you enjoyed yourself . . .

2005-10-31T18:12:00.000-05:00

that's what I say. Think of it as a metabolism rev and carbo-loading for the ever-shortening countdown to SF. Or sumpin.

I've had a blah day. Had a fun class--starting poetry. Hah! Talk about the blonde leading the blind. Or sumpin.

Day started off well enough--2.6 in 20 minutes as planned and and egg white/oats brekkie. Then after class I just couldn't get full, so I ate a couple of Amy's, a few halloweenie candies . . . then had a nap, avoided doing my reading for class tonight, woke up and ate some cheese and two low fat brownies. Finished with two poached eggs and turkey bacon. Why can't I remember to hit the protein earlier? If I quit now, go to class and eat nothing else for the day, methinks the damage is minimal. Especially if I get up tomorrow and run again. God love my renewed love of running. Took me long enough. But I'm working on no judgment. . . .

Off to class!

Starchtastic.

2005-10-31T01:29:00.000-05:00

Lessee, this weekend I ate...starch.

Bagels: 3
Pastries: 2
Bread boules: 0.5
Miscellaneous starches (rice, injera, desserts, etc.): too many.

All delicious, of course. But this is why I don't keep the stuff at home. I suspect I've gained a few this weekend. We'll see whether I can get back to where I was by the end of the week, though, that'd be nice.

Nice to hear you had a grand time at your partay, though! I haven't partied for Halloween since the booze cruise, sadly. I miss partyin'. Did you do fancy Marilyn makeup, winged eyeliner and all? I love that look. Fun! Hope you took pics. And kept your nips safe from your old profs! Skeeve. But, as you are now faculty, dahlink, you are fair game....

Oh, call you in the a.m. I need to get to bed and rest up, then get up early and get some groceries and put in my daily elliptical hour.

Running again

2005-10-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

. . . and happy about it. Yesterday I ran 5 or 6 miles in the glorious fall sunshine. This morning I ran a quick 2.5 miles and damn if that isn't fun! To hell with the long distance running. Been there, done that. I've decided now to run shorter distances at higher intensity. I figure if it only takes me 20 minutes, I can do that first thing every morning instead of lounging in bed for that same period of time convincing myself to get up. Feels good.

I went to a "sick and wrong" Halloween party last night and it was grand. Except my old psych prof showed up dressed as Kinsey and silly me agreed to respond as Marilyn Monroe to his sick and wrong sex survey. Mind you, he's been trying to get these answers out of me ever since I wrote a paper about the sex, drugs and Drum and Bass club culture in Dublin for his cultural psych class. Turned out to be a very dirty night. But all talk. My nipples and I dressed up as MM may have inspired some mild flirtation and perhaps others and their snogging in the corners, but no real action for me and the girls. I guess I need titillation with brain chemistry action first and there wudn't nuthin' doin' for me there last night. Despite the basement dance floor with me twirlin' all over the middle of it. Oh well.

And I thought I was doing all good with my eating and then, well. Jello-shots with gummy worms and dill pickle potato chips and halloween candy happened at midnight after all my inhibitions were unleashed by Kinsey and all the ghoulish punch I was drankin'. Well? What the hell are holiday parties for?

At least I woke up and went for a wee run, ate some oats, a protein shake later . . . and then lunch at Panera with my mama happened. I ate a fatty, grilled sammich of some chickeny variety that was delicious. Tater chips to boot. Dang. I'll make up for it with some of my 9 gallons of French slimming soup I made yesterday for din-din.

Before lunch I tried on the suit at TJ's and it ain't right. Better not to buy anything that doesn't look good now, I've decided. So I bought a bunch of fancy knickers in the hopes that someone someday soon will care to see and delight in what I'm wearing beneath my trousers.

Oh and I'm close to booking my trip out East. The conference is paid for. . . .

So what's happening in your fit and flabuless world? Was D.C. a dranken'whorin'brawlin' kind of trip? How many BabyRuths and fistfuls of candy corn did you eat?

This is why new thyroid meds are grrrrrreat.

2005-10-29T10:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I woke up late, worked out with TTT and did an hour on the ARC machine. Sweat like crazy. Didn't eat a thing until 1 p.m.--salad, Amy's Santa Fe Bowl and an apple. At 5 I ate a luna bar. That's it. All day. And I felt fine. I didn't leave Sher's house until 11:30, and by then it seemed too late to eat, so I just went to bed.

Which is such a delight these days since I'm awakened in the night by happy waves of vibrations pulsing through my body. That's right. I can feel these meds working, and they seem to be giving me orgasms in my sleep! Now that's a far cry from those anti-depressants that would have shut down any and all sensuality. Hot damn this stuff is good.

I thought about spinning this morning, but sleeping in felt like a better option. I think I'll go for a run later. But now I'm off for some breakfast!

Hope you're having fun and feeling good!

How much do I love my trainer?

2005-10-28T14:18:00.000-04:00

For the second time this week, I showed up for our session a wee bit late. She had to leave 20 minutes later, so we squeezed in all the arms and chest we could. And rather than punishing me for showing up late, she decided not to charge me for the session.

Wha?

Today is also her birthday and she's sick. Yet she gave ME a gift.

These are the kind of people I want to spend time with.

I did bring her a Rolling Stone magazine with Bono on the cover and a fab, fab, fab, marvy interview with him inside as a little happy b-day gift.

When you're paying attention you do see that you get back so much more than you give, methinks.

And now that I'm on new thyroid meds, I think I'm better capable of thinking clearly and paying attention. That is my hope, anyway.

For the past couple of days I've quit eating pretty much by 7 at night, and dang if I don't feel skinny when I wake up in the morning. Sex is the only better way to start the day. But like I said yesterday, nary a prospect in sight.

I bought a Halloweenie costume yesterday--a Marilyn Monroe/ Seven Year Itch white halter dress. I have a platinum blond wig already--doesn't everyone? The problem, or perhaps benefit, of the dress is that it is so sheer, everyone on the block can see my party hats (it is friggin' 40 degrees around here). Do I return it, or do I throw caution to the wind and wear it to a party Saturday night?

Hope yer havin' fun in D.C. darlin'! Call me when you get back!

me again me again

2005-10-27T12:11:00.000-04:00

You're doing soupair, dahlink!

Me, I'm okay. Still weird. Finally found out that my thyroid level has tripled--that's bad. Explains all kinds of stuff. My new Dr. has a plan. I am hopeful.

Tomorrow's TTT's b-day. We have an appointment at 10:15 and then we might watch her sister on Montel at 11. I should get her a giftie, no? But what?

I found a fucking gorgeous boutique-y suit that I desperately want from TJ Maxx. So. Cute. Flared little goldy-green short skirt, matching blazer with pale, blue trim and brass buttons. Sounds weird, but it's gorgeous. Problem is: it doesn't quite fit. It's not exactly cheap, either. Now, there are two schools of thought on this one. One school suggests one should only buy flattering clothes that truly fit the body one inhabits now; such a choice honors the body and the self. However, the TTT and Marezy school of thought says buy the fucking suit, hang it up, stare at it every day and use it as material motivation to whip self into shape for b-day, thanksgiving, chri-mas, etc. Use it as a tool to power through the holidays.

TTT says work your ass off now, get skinny for SF, cuz you'll be so much happier that way. She's so right.

29, bitches. 29. I can't be 29 and fat! with nary an interesting romantic prospect anywheres!

Fuck.

So, yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't eat crap. I usually start off well enough with an early breakie of 2 poached eggs, turkey bacon, small glass of grapefruit juice and coffee. Yesterday I also ate a balance bar at noon, an apple and a luna bar at 3, an Amy's veggie loaf at 4, a can of soup, broccoli slaw in vinagrette, and 3 squares of dark chocolate at 6. At 8 I had a mug of sugar free cocoa made with skim milk. I'm guessing yesterday's total falls somewhere around 1500 calories.

I did a tough legs workout with TTT and put in 30 minutes on the elliptical. I luxuriated in the steam room for a while. After that, I was thoroughly useless for the rest of the day.

Now I think I'm ready to start running again. It is, after all, only a month to the turkey trot. 'Course, I'm willing to skip the turkey trot in the name of drink if need be. Just so you know.

I can't wait to start my new thyroid meds. I might be a new woman soon!

As for you, I hope your therapist is a keeper!

Hey, what happened to our new "post every day eats and exercises" resolution?

2005-10-27T00:04:00.000-04:00

Today: No exercises. Two frozen organic meals, a yogurt, a Clif Z bar, and two boiled eggs, mashed with salt, pepper and butter.

I am so glad I am seeing a shrink tomorrow. Now that I've got one all lined up, I feel about ready to crack.

Oof.

You done vanished into the ether or what?

You better post summink, woman.

2005-10-25T20:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, so today:

1.Training with E plus 60 mins elliptical, just over 1000 cals.

2. Pre-workout meal of Clif Z bar. One grande soy pumpkin spice latte after training with E but before, during and after cardio (lucky me, the machine next to me was busted, so I just set my cup there and went to town. And took little coffee breaks in the middle. I know, it's weird.)

3. Two big cups of my Superfood concoction.

Now, as you know, when last we spoke it was, oh, close to 4? And I was hungry.

It is now 8:30 and I have finally gotten myself something to eat. Alas, it is an order of cold sesame noodles I picked up on the way back from gift shopping. Oh well. Further nosh is unlikely. Calorically, I think it might be okay for the day.

How you doin'?

Per our new resolute fitness plannery

2005-10-25T03:30:00.000-04:00

1. I got up Monday morning and put in 65 minutes on the elliptical, 6.45 virtual miles traveled, 1083 calories burned.

2. I had only my special Superfoood/lemon juice/water on the rocks concotion, plus coffee with splenda, for breakfast.

3. Soy cheese pizza pocket for lunch

4. Peanut butter Clif bar for snack

5. And this is where it all goes to Hell. After work and a bunch of cleaning of my apartment, I decided to neither order in nor eat another frozen meal.

I decided to cook. This turned into:
1 entire large chicken breast (hugemongous, maybe 7-9 oz.) cut into strips, battered and fried into chicken fingers
2/3 of a sweet potato worth of sweet potato fries
1/2 ear of corn
a bunch of steamed green beans

While half of my dinner was good dietin', the other half was not. But it was all really pretty and colorful. Meep.

Oof. Must...control...self.... Tuesday, training with E. and a better diet. *eyeroll*

Hooray for you!

2005-10-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

Halfway to goal? That's a big, friggin' deal, darlin'!

I don't know where I am or what my goal is anymore. I'm just glad I got back to the gym this week and worked out twice with TTT. It's really good for me to be around her. She's a good influence. Tomorrow I'm back to booty camp. Yay!

That marathon nearly kicked me out of orbit. I was chuggin', moving right along, feeling good, getting fit, and then WHAM! Me laid out on the couch getting an IV of mac and cheese to ease the pain of my strained foot for two weeks. Oh well. Learn, move on. I'm back, and that's what's important. My eating is still erratic and less than light, but I'm in the midst of one mean period. I'll get back on it over the weekend. Return to happy cooking and all that.

Dude, I spent more than 700 minutes talking to you on my cell phone this month already. That dudn't even count the times you called me on my land line. Time well spent, yes, cuz when else do we laugh so hard we cry and chat about . . . well, no need to recap the madness here. So here's the deal: get yourself on the mobile-to-mobile plan. For an extra $6.99 per month, all calls to other t-mobile phones are free. I guess this doesn't help those times my phone cuts out at home, but damn. We could save enough money in overage charges to take another spa holiday this way.

Okay. I need to get the hell out of this office and get something to eat. I hope you're not working too hard today.

I like this scale slidey thing, clearly.

2005-10-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

So, adjusting for the fact that my scale was off by 4 lbs and had to be adjusted up to reflect the doctor scale weight, here's what my slidey should look like:

Ohforgetit. The code isn't working. But I'm halfway to my goal. Damnit.

I just hope I can keep this crazy exercise plan going for the next 5 weeks and beyond. If I can. I might actually drop another 10 pounds by then. Eh. Shooting for 5, I know, best not to burn myself out going all crazy. Sigh.

But already this week I have put in three hour-long, 1000+ calorie burning workouts and two sessions with E. Another 30 minute cardio workout should be about right to get a pound off this week.

I'm kinda tired though. And work this weekend is going to be a bitch.

Meh. Chat later.

How you? Or are you getting back at me for not posting for two weeks? Teehee!

ohfergodssakefine.

2005-10-18T12:36:00.000-04:00

Welp. Nothing going on here, you see. I am in one of my more adherent phases, in which I actually eat and exercise more or less the way I am supposed to. It does seem to be working. This morning I found myself down 3 lbs from my last week, but that's possibly also just a factor of good weather and the end of my period.

Meh.

We'll see if I can drop anudder two or three this week.

So far I've been doing 45 minute-hour long cardio workouts four days per week, plus training with E. on two of those days, and occasionally, veryvery occasionally, getting in a resistance session on my ownsome. But that's damned rare. It seems like my body is quite happy doing two days of that instead of 3 each week.

I am actually also keeping a food journal now, as I have been instructed by the taskmaster. Funny, I don't know if the journal is keeping me on track or if my eating jsut isn't all that bad because I feel like being good lately. Who knows.

And them Clif Z bars--the ones for kids--are durn good snackin'. Perfect size for either a pre-workout meal or post-workout snack. And only 120 calories. You should get some, lady!

I dunno, maybe it's San Fran, maybe it's a phase, maybe it's just an attitude shift that's been a long-time comin', but I actually feel pretty committed to this whole weightloss thing now. I believe it could also have something to do with actually starting to look the way I thought I should when I was getting on the scale with the artificially low numbers. Now the numbers are right and I'm closer to where I want to be and it looks right.

Also, I fucking refuse to buy new jeans, and the last pair I have now that I love is on its last legs, so to speak. Any day now, they're just going to give up. So I'd better be fully back in those other puppies by then!

That is all. How you?

I ain't writin' anymore until you do.

2005-10-18T12:08:00.000-04:00

So write already.

Please and thank you, lady.

Better. Ish.

2005-10-15T09:27:00.000-04:00

Since the carbs weren't working, I pulled out all the stops yesterday to make myself feel better. Therapist and massage therapist. I feel more centered now, but still a little disconnected.

I don't think I'm up for crash dieting anymore. I'm too tired for that shit. And I think when I'm in crash diet mode, I'm furthest away from being connected to my body. Wasn't that the reason I was in this marathon to begin with?

Damn. I have to write a review before noon. Whatchoo think about Daniel Craig being the new James Bond? He's no Pierce Brosnan, but I'm open to see what he can do with his fine blondie self in terms of Bond-age. Tee-hee.

Post marathon stress disorder.

2005-10-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

I think I am suffering from this. And I may be the first documented case, I'm not sure.

I am particularly dismayed and disappointed in the state of my life and my body. Ironic, yes, but very, very real. This is probably why I need to go see Pam.

The weird thing is I didn't think I did this marathon for the destination, to cross the finish line. I thought it was about the process. But I guess I thought I'd get more out of it than a fucking bum foot. I am experiencing the opposite of a feeling of accomplishment. Not failure, exactly, but sumpin' yuck. I can't quite place it, and that's why I haven't written on Divine Marathon since last week.

Talking to Ramon last night didn't help, although he was actually very sweet and supportive. I guess it doesn't matter how sweet and supportive he or anyone else is when I ultimately I feel alone. And useless. I think I've lost the plot. Again.

Dammit.

All I want to do is lie around in my flannel pajamas and nap and eat bagels and mac and cheese. Unfortunately, I've taken on teaching for two different universities, taking classes full time in a PhD program, running an academic resource center and freelance writing. What on earth is wrong with me? Why can't I be satisfied, ever? Will I run myself into the ground, snuff out the life in this beaten up body before I come to appreciate who I am, nevermind what I can do/have done?

I guess a part of me thought that if I ran the marathon, if I beat the odds of a rotten injury and plowed through, everything else would be fine. Kind of like the illusion that if you could just lose weight, become thin, all of life would magically be wonderful, you could finally be the person you imagine yourself to be. It's all bullshit. 'Course, that doesn't stop me from hating myself for still having a belly even though I ran a marathon.

And so it all comes back to the self hatred. Why is it so friggin' hard to love myself? And why do I seem to draw people to me who can't manage to show their love for me, except in the most oblique ways?

From afar, my ex wants to help pay my heating costs this winter. That is love, man, but it ain't the kind of love i'm looking for. You see where I'm going with this? Is the kind of love I'm looking for out there for me? I'm afraid not. At least not until I can learn to generate it myself--love myself the way I want to be loved.

But I just can't seem to do that. So why should anyone else?

Me?

2005-10-12T21:26:00.000-04:00

I'm still carbo-loading. I don't know if I can begin a diet countdown to SF in earnest until some of this post-marathon pain goes away.

Actually, I'm more than carbo-loading. I bought a big ol' hunk o' beef, roasted it, salted it, and ate it thinly sliced and still slightly bleeding on whole wheat bread with avocado, tomato and red onion. I don't know that there is a more delicious thing to put in one's mouth. I must be fixin' to start my period.

I also cooked a nice french green bean and tomato salad with balsamic vinagrette and my favorite crotch pot dish: tequila lime chicken. I've eaten some of all that today.

I'll be back with TTT next week, but I'm taking this week off. I'm hoping that between the chiropractor today and the massage therapist Friday, I'll be healed. Something is seriously wrong with my left foot/ankle, though. Maybe Dr. R will do an x-ray today. Harumph.

I cancelled class again today. I just need the time to recover. And I haven't cancelled class in my 2.5 years of teaching, so I won't hold my breath for someone to sue me. Damn. A girl's got to take care of her own self.

I like your determination, lady, and I'm telling you--too-tight pants are the best motivators. Hang them up somewheres you can see 'em every day. I never did get myself into my motivation pants properly. I mean, they fit, and I've worn them in public, but I probably shouldn't have. Damn.

I'd say I'm shooting for a pound a week, for a total of 6 pounds lost, but I swore off the scale and I'm sticking to it. I'll have TTT measure me at the end of this group of sessions and see. I'm planning on drinking at least a gallon of water a day, eating plenty o' veggies and way fewer refined carbs, breakfast always and nothing after 7:30 at night. Then working out best I can--at least 4 days a week--as soon as my foot works again.

I'm not sure that qualifies as determination, but damn. I'm happy to cut myself a little slack.

* * *

Okay, so that was yesterday's post that I couldn't publish for some reason or another.

Today I am suffering from carbo-bloat, and I am calling a moratorium on carbo-loading until the next marathon, which hopefully will be never.

I am feeling so lousy from the french toast bagels, the oatmeal cookie, the bbq potato chips and the macaroni and cheese I ate today, that I discovered new resolve in the dieting to SF countdown we're doing together. That, and I caught a glimpse of those marathon photos, particularly the post-finish line one when I was too tired to suck in my gut. All on the internets for everyone to see. The only thing to do is set that gut free by cutting down on the aforementioned foods and their group. Poop.

My foot still hurts, and no exercise for me. Hopefully that'll change, too.

Okay, I'm tired. What's the latest with you?

Clearly I have to take posting matters into my own hands.

2005-10-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

So. Six weeks until San Fran.

What's my plan?

More long workouts. Five per week, minimum 45 minutes of cardio. Three strength sessions per week.

Eating off of tiny little plates.

Whole meals of one-half of a Clif bar plus a glass of Superfood juice cut with water and lemon juice (just because it is most delicious that way, not for diet's sake).

That's it. I'm shooting for 10-12 lbs in those six weeks. That's about 1.5-2 lbs per week. Entirely feasible with hard work.

Mostly, I am refusing to buy any new jeans this winter, and the last two decent pairs I have are still too snug, the bastids. I'll need to lose about 7 pounds to get into them comfortably, but the 10-12 off would look best in them. Sigh.

I'm gonna miss E after the end of this month, but I can't afford another $600 right now, not with SF and maybe Chicago and what have you. It's just too much. If only I could pay per session. Meh.

Okay, so how about you?

Take it easy on yourself, will you?!?!

2005-10-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

You are upset about maybe missing bootcamp, despite the fact that you will be running 26.whatever miles the following day?

Cuh-razay!

But I know, sometimes we get into the habit of beating ourselves up for the things we can control, when what we want to deal with is something else we can't.

How's that for cryptic? I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just had a sangrusska, and BTW, remind me to give you the recipe for that. To die. Ha!

So I am watching Fit TV, and there's this woman on there getting her final results, and they're going over her measurements. At the start of her program, she was 141 lbs., 34% bodyfat. This made me think of my session with E. yesterday, when I got my measurements, which I won't list here, but I will say this: 1. To the shock of my body-building trainer (but not to me), my calves are only 1/2 inch smaller in circumference than his. I told him they were huge. And that man had me doing calf raises. Hah. He was all, "do you wear heels? If you do, stop." Nope. It's just something about the way I walk. 2. My BMI is 34.2 or something. Which he said was good, because he said it meant I had a lot of muscle mass; I was doubtful, since a BMI that high is really only a good thing for actual bodybuilders; but then when I saw this lady on TV today, who weighed almost 50 lbs. less than me before her fitness plan, it said her 141 lb. body fat percentage was 34%. I am 38% body fat, and outweigh her by nearly 50 lbs. Which means, according to my highly suspect calculations, that E was right, I am built as hell under this fat. It also seems to mean I have less fat to lose than I thought, by about 25 lbs. Yay!

Okay, too buzzed to blog, this is making no sense.

G'night!

Not much. How's that for a seductive header?

2005-10-04T14:27:00.000-04:00

I don't even know what to do with myself. I've finished the tasks I set forth for myself today. I can't remember when I last did such a thing. I mean there's plenty I could move onto--more to come tomorrow and the next day and next week, etc. but I can also do it later. Damn.

But fitness. I haven't participated this week so far. Monday was nuts with my nose buried in Nietzsche and Foucault for the presentation and today I woke up at friggin' 4:30 just to get my grading and class prep done for 8:30. I need a damn nap. But I have a 4 p.m. meeting with important faculty and administrators. So. Good thing I wore a deep v-neck sleeveless top today. Damn. Some days there's just no preparing.

But I'll be seeing TTT tomorrow and Friday and the marathon on Sunday. I might have to skip booty camp Saturday, even though I hate to miss it. We'll see.

I've been doing pretty well with the old eating. Honestly, I haven't even looked at TTT's meal plan for me. I've just been quitting eating by 7, sometimes earlier; eating an eggs, toast and coffee breakie; and trying to get enough veggies, fiber and water in between. So far so good. I'm not weighing myself, but I feel good and my clothes seem to be fitting more generously, so I am a happy chile.

Well feck. That's all I've got on the fit and fabulous front. Not feeling fabulous, because I'm tired, hungry, developing a lip zit, and there's a lady smoking near me at this outdoor cafe. Stank. And my nose is still stuffed up. I need some decongestant and lunch. I'm off.

Whipped.

2005-09-29T12:49:00.000-04:00

So, E is really taking this "too nice" thing to heart, and whipped my ass again today. Usually, the extended pain doesn't set in until the next day, doesn't it? Maybe it's worse because I didn't get over the last round of abuse. Also, today I got weighed, and he promised tape measuring and fat calipers Monday too. Perhaps I should not have offered a bottle of Grey Goose for every 15 lbs I lose. Still, just by eating better over the last few days, I've lost a pound. Why am I so irritated by that?

Next week, he's having surgery, so I'll only be able to see him one day, sad. What does one get as a feel better gift for a trainer, anyway? A card?

Meh. It's raining here, and I smell like ass. I'm gonna go shower. What's new with you?

I've fallen behind in posting.

2005-09-29T00:12:00.000-04:00

That's okay, though, because now I have so much to report!

Not really.

I mean, I'm eating better. Working out okay. Haven't been at it quite long enough to see any results again, though.

E. whipped my ass Tuesday. Never again will I tell a man he's too nice. Meh. I did 100 goddamned pushups, and now my arms hurt just to touch. My armpits, too. I'm afraid of what'll happen tomorrow.

In other news, my limited budget has me trimming the fat (heh) in my grocery shopping. I swear, I always diet best when I'm broke. The summer of the lightness, when I lost, like, 20 pounds in a two months, I was only eating what I could afford--coffee in the mornings, free teacher's lunch in the afternoons, and cup o' soups for dinner. So depressing. But shit, it worked. And all the sex kinda made it worthwhile. Hm.

Oh, I finally called my new doc and learned a) I can just make an appointment with the nutritionist and then have them fax over a referral, if needed and b) I'm anemic. But only a little, apparently. Which is weird. She says she doesn't think I'll need to take anything for it, but I guess I'll need to get more iron somehow. Meh.

Hm. I think that's it for now. More details after Training: Part 2.5, episode 3. Sigh.

YUM!

2005-09-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

I made them thar protein bars, 'cept I used chocolate protein powder and halved the recipe; and despite the fact that they look like frozen turds, them are delish. And no creepy aftertaste like the storebought ones. I also added hazelnut soy creamer instead of water and not quite enough of it, so they're a little dry. But for next time I'll know better.

Booty camp is fab. Not really running much, and for now that is fab, too. We'll see how fab it is in two weeks when I'm running all over Chicago.

As for diet, I'm pretty much sticking to the latest plan: quit eating at least 12 hours the night before you wake up and eat breakfast. Then eat a big ol' grainy breakfast (oatmeal or whole grain toast) and little yummy meals throughout the day of fruit, veggies, protein, dairy, whathaveyou. I try not to eat too carby late in the day, but sometimes you just wanna have a bowl of pasta for dinner. Then I just make sure to have plenty o' veggies and protein to balance things out. Working so far.

And you know me, I can't help myself from cookies, so I eat 'em and just try not to eat nothing but 'em. You know? Sugar's generally a bad idea, but soooo delicious. Dang.

Oh, and water, water, water. I drink much less water on the weekends cuz I don't have that handy water cooler at my disposal like I do at work. Gotta fix that. I can really tell a difference: I'm much hungrier the less I drink (water, that is).

So, that's the update.

And you?

I love TTT

2005-09-21T17:33:00.000-04:00

. . . despite her lousy excuse for cookin'.

She told me I look smaller today, and you know how much I love that. Course, the smallishness may be fleeting, cuz the office manager at work brought in a ginormous tray of Baklava to share, and who can resist that at 4 o'clock? I enjoyed every sticky moment, I'll have you know.

Speaking of inappropriate food . . . on Monday when I went to the gym they had a free buffet of chimichangas, guac, queso and chips spread out in the foyer. What the hell??

But so TTT. She's designing a meal plan for me--I'm hitting it for the countdown to SF for my BD. My intention is that in conjunction with the 6 weeks of Saturday boot camp (or "booty camp" as the bootylicious TTT call it) and maybe even the Slim in 6 will have me feeling--if not looking--like a star by the time I hit the big 2-9.

I know, I know. Didn't I just swear off diets? Well, the food is the thing. Just two and a half days of eating less, drinking more water, and quitting eating well before bed has shown an improvement in the way I feel and the way my clothes fit. I think your old poopy doc was right when she said exercise is like a bonus, but for weight loss the food's the thing.

Also, I want you to know that as annoying as I might be to you in talking about my fatness is nothing compared to TTT's talking to me about how she needs to "lean up" for a fitness show in Vegas. Everyone has her own screwy standards for herself. She competes in fitness shows, so she has been known to say, "After that, anything is fat." It's crazy how people manipulate their bodies. For better and for worse.

Me included.

BTW, I'm sowwy yew sickie-poo. Hope ya feel bettah. Good thing you made a big ol' pot of soup and are stocked up with Monarchs. . . .

My PT shares recipes . . .

2005-09-21T17:31:00.000-04:00

Peanut Butter Energy Bars

2 cups oatmeal
4 scoops of protein powder (vanilla, any brand will do)
_ cup peanut butter
about 5 TBLS water

Mix in a bowl – dough should be stiff

Forms 6 bars on wax paper – freeze for 40 minutes and then they are ready to go!! NO baking!!

195 calories
8.3g fat
16g carbs
18.8g protein

. . . and they're scare-y. I dare you to try them!

Loving concern and catching up.

2005-09-20T18:26:00.000-04:00

I guess this is the point where we remind each other to act in a kind and loving way toward ourselves as well as each other. I'm glad you found a doc you like. Did she help give you guidance in weight loss? Did she suggest a nutritionist/dietitian (Die! Tit, Ian.)? I'm glad she said cut back on salt and caffeine. Your sometimes caffeine abuse has gotten scary at moments, methinks. And perhaps your recent reintroduction of animal flesh has contributed to the spike in blood pressure? Of course, I think you have a point with the "stressy little life," the rage, the Job, the pay cut . . . shall I continue?

Bottom line: this is officially a new ballgame, and methinks that's exactly what we need. It ain't about beauty. It's about health, first and foremost. Plain and simple. And living a healthy life--physically in terms of diet and exercise, but also emotionally, psychically, spiritually and whatever -allys we can come up with.

Be gentle with yo'self. Please.

And I promise to take my own advice as well.

I've actually had a decent day of it--working my balls off as usual, but taking some time to enjoy living, too. I've decided to make some time every day for a little celebration. Cuz shit. I don't know how I ever lost sight of the fact that I could very well be dead right now. What a rotten alternative. So there. Perspective on a plate.

I'm loving the new bootcamp on Saturday mornings with TTT and Red A, her assisting trainer. They're kick ass and all the asskicking takes place outside, so it's good. I'm reclaiming all the years of P.E. class dread and hell. Just watch me finally do a set of pull ups. I discovered I can do tons of full-out sit ups--something I could hardly do in the 2nd grade even when a fat kid was sitting on my feet to hold 'em down. So there's a triumph.

I haven't run in a week, but I've been hitting the gym 3, sometimes 4 times a week. It has become a kind of midday sanctuary for me. I teach class in the morning with a greasy head, then hit the gym hard with cardio and weights, shower and steam and feel refreshed for the rest of the day (which is long--won't end until 10). Basically I'm working from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. most days. Nuts. But would I really be any better off spending more of those hours watching BBC America?

Perhaps. . . .

So, I quit dieting, but ended up abusing cookies and feeling bloated and lousy, so now I'm trying to be more mindful. But in a way that allows me to eat in the car. Not great, but hell--I'm not going to be sitting down to three squares with crystal glasses and linen napkins every day at the office, in my car, etc. Just ain't gonna happen right now. So, I'm happy with Amy's organic, turkey sandwiches, fruit and energy bars in the meantime. Oh, and I always take time for coffee and irish oats in the morning. I'm feeling better on the food front, but damn if it isn't always a struggle. What would it be like not to struggle with weight? Perhaps that's not the question to be asking. . . .

Anywho, I like the idea of reframing this whole thing to be about nurturing ourselves in ways that lead to health, and all that means; especially since that's obviously one of the big things we're both here to learn this time around.

Have courage! And we're in this together, even if you curse me for saying it. . . .

Oh Goddamn.

2005-09-20T10:09:00.000-04:00

So. Saw my new doctor today. She's nice, I like her.

Unfortunately, I got bad news, and more bad news.

First off, I seem to have developed high blood pressure again. I wonder how. I have to eliminate salt, caffeine, and try to lose more weight. I didn't mention my stressy little life, but I'm sure that affected it, too. Dammit. Dammit to hell.

Second, I discovered that there is a five pound discrepancy between my home scale ($6, Target) and the big fancy doctor scale at my doc's office. As in, the doc scale reads 5 pounds higher than the home scale (nekkid, so I can't even blame it on clothes). I'm inclined to believe the doc scale. Which means I'm fatter than I thought. Dammit. Dammit to hell.

The good thing is, though, that I am not suffering the ravages of time at the ripe old age of 27, which is what I had believed before, because I kept thinking I didn't look the same at my "grad school weight" as I did in grad school. Shit, I just thought I was getting old and having to work harder at upkeep and "carrying weight differently." Hah! My damn scale was just wrong! I really am fatter than I was then!

Of course, this means I have to actually get back there, now.

Shit.

Hellooooooooo? Heeeeeellllllllllloooooooooooooooo?

2005-09-19T15:34:00.000-04:00

So, I guess it's my turn to carry on the great tradition of the fit and flabuless diet blog. Dammit.

Um, I'm back to regular workouts! Yay! And I finally filled out that little paper that'll get mee $200 refund from my health insurance for being such a good little gym monkey. So, woot, cash comin' my way. Eventually. God only knows how long it'll take them to send it. And I signed up for more training sessions with Edwin. I love Edwin. Even if he does think appropriate trainer-trainee convo includes the neighborhood's best burger joints. So my first renewed session with him will be this Thursday. Yay!

Ah, also, did I mention how much I appreciate the new GM at my gym? He's so goddamned enthusiastic. Whatever they're paying him, they should raise it, because I think I'm actually going to go ahead and renew with them for next year. As opposed to fleeing for the JCC or NYSC, which is what I was planning to do at the end of summer. Eh, we'll see.

Also, and this is a big one--I found a lady sports dietitian that I might want to see. Maybe. Depends on her rates. But I like the fact that she designs nutrition plans for athletes. Maybe I'll do a consultation. Her lit says she likes to meet with her clients weekly, though. Which could be a serious blow to my wallet. Meh.

And finally: I have hearby banned myself from Big Nick's for the rest of the month. I ordered from there three times in the last week. Which, in case you haven't noticed, is two times more in one week than I declared I'd allow myself. Which means I gots a whole lot of make-up to do.

Okay, no, really, this is the last bit--After my gymery last night, I went and bought some actual veggies. And stilton. I think I'm going to grab some chicken consomme from Zabar's today, too. Which means Derishus Creamy Scottish Stilton Soup(TM) for me for dinner today, woohoo! In all, that would make this a good day in terms of intake. I had a soy/fruit smoothie for brekkie, and a cucumber salad for lunch. And coffee. I just bought some more cookware at that Amazon home goods sale thing, though, so of course I just want to spend all day at home planning fancy meals to make with my soon-to-arrive cast-iron skillet and Calphalon saucier. *rolling eyes at self* Why am I such a sucker for the housewares?

Back on the wagon. Again.

2005-09-13T10:21:00.000-04:00

So I am finally returning to a normal workout schedule, and what a relief that is.

Though I think I mildly enjoyed not getting up every morning worrying about when and how much cardio I'd be able to squeeze in (If I go now, I can do upper body and 30 minutes of elliptical. If I had just gotten up a few minutes earlier and ignored email I could have done a whole hour! Boo me! became, eh, fuck it, I'se on vacation.), I felt really, really good after my quick 45 on the elliptical yesterday. I actually missed it. I, former fat kid extraordinaire, Munchos and Tastykakes and hoagie in my lunchbox fat kid deluxe, now like, nay, crave, my daily workouts.

Well, fuck me.

It gets better. I ordered cold sesame noodles and duck for dinner last night...and threw it away after a few bites of duck and a half bowl of noodles. It just wsn't appealing once it arrived.

Wait. What's that sound? Do you hear it? It's...the sound of a revolution!

Okay, melodrama, I know. But anyway.

It's my day off. I'm going to spend it assing around on this video stuff, working out, and living off my frozen foods. I'm thinking, with all the Monarch I've been watching, that I may say to hell with the season and do a big pot of hearty stilton soup and shortbread this week. Part of the stilton soup process is making a big yummers pot of chicken/vegetable stock anyway, so I'll probably use half for the stilton soup and freeze half just to have as soup. Hang on. I think I still have frozen vegetable stock from the last time I made it. Which would make said stock, oh, six months old or more? Dang. But I also still have the $243 bluefish from Fuckyoudirect. The bluefish is approaching its first birthday in my freezer.

Okay, my lowfat strawberry yogurt is warming on my desk. Chat later chica, have a good day!

Spicy and sad.

2005-09-09T13:19:00.000-04:00

For breakfast this morning I ate chicken enchiladas and a chocolate cookie with two cups of coffee. Who says you have to eat eggs and oatmeal every day? It was a nice change, except it's weird to have spicy burps at 10 a.m.

I saw TTT today and we did upper body. It didn't feel so hard going, but now I'm wiped. I also sat around for a good while in the steam room after my shower. It makes me want to nap. But nooooo. I gots too much going on today. Drat.

I can't wait for this semester to be over. It's only the end of the second week.

The going has gotten lazy as hell, that's what it's gotten.

2005-09-09T11:07:00.000-04:00

You know, I think by the end of tomorrow, I'll have only been to the gym, like, eight times in the last three weeks.

I'm pretty ashamed. My schedule's been all weird and I've had time off here and there and I've been traveling a bit, and I think that has a lot to do with it, but still.

And my eating has been largely of the "I ate it because I felt like it, bitches!" plan. What is remarkable is that I haven't had the weight backslide I was expecting. I mean, I did have some backslide, but only about 3 lbs.

I think your decision is good. Especially since you are so active. I think I'm moving in the opposite direction, though. If I really want to drop the weight, I need to start monitoring what I eat more carefully. Living off Amy's helps a bit, bless their little delicious, frozen, controlled-portion hearts, but I can't do that all the time.

Which is not to say I'll never go on a scone bender again. But I will try not to do it more than once per year. Or maybe season. Uh, so far, so good!

Okay, off to work...

Dude, I am so done with dieting.

2005-09-07T07:46:00.000-04:00

And I feel liberated!!

So, I'm eating what I want and regularly. I am such a happier person for it. I do, however, believe in the following daily practices: drink plenty of water, get some exercise, eat breakfast and quit eating a couple hours before bedtime.

To hell with the rest.

So what's new with you?

You know, you're not supposed to not blog when the going gets tough, or when the going gets blah, which is even worse, I suspect.

So how 'bout it chicita bananaslamadingdongdoodle?

and yawn again.

2005-09-02T22:42:00.000-04:00

Trained the old upper bod with TTT and put in 30 mins on the ARC this morning. Tomorrow I spin.

I also drank a glass of wine and ate a chocolatey coconut bar after dinner. I feel mildly guilty about this, mostly cuz I also had a kiddie ice cream cone in the afternoon. I wish I could release the guilt. Everything else I ate today was very healthy. So, guilt be gone!

Now I'm knackered as hell.

How you?

So. Tired.

2005-09-01T23:58:00.000-04:00

Argh, long day made longer by issues with car services. Meh. Now I'm waiting for my chinese delivery, and I am fairly certain I will be asleep before it arrives. I've had crackers, onion soup and frozen meals today, and it was all unpleasant.

So. Tired. And. Hungry.

Just got a look at what my revised salary will be. I need another gig. I've gotten used to the cash.

Okay, I need to sleep, but I will post again tomorrow!

Yawn.

2005-09-01T20:14:00.000-04:00

After polishing off the frozen cookies last night while on the phone with your sweet self, I suppose it is only right that the gym kicked my ass today. TTT and I did legs and ass and whew, let me tell you I'm feeling it. The shower and steam room after only heightened my tiredness (I know that dudn't sound right, but it is) and now I'm soon off for sleepyby.

It was a rough day of moving my office. Sad times. Why oh why do people refuse to make space for me in this life? Damn old wounds. It'll be fine, though, and I'll probably have to move my ass again come Decemberish. I'll have three offices! I guess I retract that previous statement about being made space for.

God damn I'm tired.

I hope you had a good day, darlin' and I sure as shit wish you would write more here. Please and thank you.

I didn't say shit about healthy choices.

2005-08-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

I simply declared myself fit and flabuless.

Declarations rarely have any merit behind them, I've found; especially self declarations.

Case in point: today I made a package of slice and bake turtle cookies, 12 in total. Four went down the hatch. 180 calories a piece. This was after eating three of my nine chicken enchiladas I'd prepared for the week. And a good bunch of those sugary almonds I love more than life. Okay, not really, but you know what I mean.

Then I was really, really thirsty. I drank some water and took a friggin' nap. This was at 2ish. I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 4 and hauled it to the gym for a half-hour of weights and an hour of spinning. Mildly redemptive.

I still haven't eaten anything since the cookies. I put the rest of them in the freezer. Why am I such a cookie monster? My theory is I was forbidden from eating sweets as a child; now I'm making up for it.

But I ain't proud.

I ain't hating myself, neither. And that is a triumph.

I'll just eat me a pile o' veggies tomorrow and call it even. Plus I'm planning a return to running first thing in the a.m. I better get my rest. . . .

Where the hell have you been today?

By the way, having leapt off the wagon doesn't preclude you from leaping back on if you so desire. Have a nice salad. You'll feel better. And a good motivator I've found is to visualize yourself on the dancefloor in San Francisco. What are you wearing, how do you feel? It comes down to how we treat ourselves now . . . and forever.

Better lay off the cookies for me, and the koolaid for you. I see green vegetables in our near future. . . .

Some people fall off the wagon. Others take flying leaps.

2005-08-29T12:27:00.000-04:00

Others, say "Aye."

Aye.

So, yeah, the weekend. My brother's birthday weekend. Lotta maki. Ice cream. Pancakes. And then toaster pizza and Koolaid when I got back to the city (I couldn't find the little unsweetened packets, only the presugarfied kind).

Disastrous.

I am fairly certain Ihave regained five pounds, which I will need to spend the next two weeks compensating for, I am sure.

But I am proud of you and your decision! 'Tis best to be healthy as you can, make good choices whenever you can make 'em--which should be almost all the time--and to be happy with yerself.

Talk later--and good luck with all the classes!

Decided:

2005-08-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

I am fit and flabuless.

To hell with scheming and plotting.

Beauty, slimmness, monetary wealth all have little to do with happiness. No, I know there are studies that prove otherwise and being fat and poor sure as shit sucks rocks. But my point is that folks with the looks and the goods don't seem to necessarily attain joy because of said things.

So, my aim is no longer to acquire such things. Acquisition ain't the answer.

I'll have to plunge deeper inward before I can actually deliver THE answer.

And by then I might be dead.

What's the latest whichoo, chica?

Still no run from me.

2005-08-22T19:49:00.000-04:00

Aching hip persists.

So, yoga and slim in 6 dvd must suffice for now. I thought about going to the gym, but made better use of my time by working on a story, my syllabus and re-attempting to create a proper parmesan zucchini loaf.

Story filed and bread success! Still working on the syllabus, but I have until Thursday, thankfully.

Congrats to you on losing four pounds, but I'm mildly concerned that those people cut them off of you. Sheesh. Youse working too much, lady. When's your next day off? Thursday? Shoot. And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if you actually liked what you were doing. . . .

. . . and getting more shut eye. This can't be good for you.

But you know all that, cuz yer livin' it!!

I hope we get a chance to talk soon. I might not be up tonight when you get off work, but hopefully we can talk tomorrow. I'll wait for your call, cuz I don't want to wake you. . . .

Sweet dreams!

Incidentally...

2005-08-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

How fucking adorable is the little smoking Belfast boy on the Sunday NYT travel section front? With his little buzzed head and pointy nose?

Why do I love the hooligans so much?

Cripes.

I came home from the long work week to find that waiting for me in front of my door (my paper delivery person alwasy fucks up my paper. It arrives all out of order and in a ridiculous heap. The bastid.) and it was such a wonderful welcome home! It made me realize I really do need to get in some more trips abroad in the coming year, and one of those trips needs to be a return to the UK. I miss it! Sigh. I really do need to do a good long stretch of travel. If only I had been brave enough to fuck off a few years ago, when I could have gotten a blue card...

Anyway. I'll go when I'm meant to go, I suppose. But that knowledge won't stop me from being wistful in the meantime.

Back again.

2005-08-22T00:15:00.000-04:00

Thank God.

Oh darlin'. It really is all in the food. I have not had a moment to spare for exercise in the last 7 days (oaky, I squeezed in about 18 crunches, and obviously work involves a lot of physicality) and lost 4 pounds this week. Four. Whole. Pounds.

In a single week.

During my period, when I usually gain that in bloat.

Dear god. Can you imagine?

I hate weightloss attempts. I can pedal my way to nowhere, five days per week, and feel fine but the scale won't budge. Give me a week of tortuous long days and frozen dinners and soup, and I'm my own goddamn diet plan.

Hateful.

Hateful.

Hateful.

Of course, I am torn between sticking to my love of self, commitment to good food and desire to become a force to be reckoned with in the world of food/drink journalism by only eating wonderful things, and the desire to lose another 4 pounds by sticking with bad frozen dinners.

Bah.

Talk in the morning, dahlink.

I miss ya, darlin'

2005-08-20T21:28:00.000-04:00

I hope your crazy-long stretch of sequestered work conditions ends soon. Cuz it'd be nice to talk to you again one day soon. And likely even nicer for you to return to the land of the living. Or whatever Manhattan appears to be at the moment.

I feel that I have entered yet another moment of peace, of calm, of clarity. And I am in pain, to boot, so that's saying something.

And I ain't kidding about no more dieting and no more looking for love. I'm on a new kick: Trust. I am trusting my body to tell me what it needs and trusting myself to listen and give it what it needs; and I am trusting the universe to endow me with abundant joy in the form of a magnificent man while at the same time trusting myself to choose him, and choose him for the right reasons.

My new writing teachers are going to kick my ass for this pseudo-spiritual language I seem to have taken on in most of my writing. Whatever. I gotta be what I gotta be, right?

I'm also on a fabulous cooking jag. Yesterday I created all sorts of marvelous salads. Today I made a white bean dip reminiscent of hummus but made of cannelini instead of garbanzos; eggplant caviar--made from roasted eggplant, pine nuts, lemon juice, parsley, capers, olive oil, sherry vinegar and salt and pepper--to. die. for.; and luscious tortilla soup. I'm officially back into soup.

I am rediscovering the joy of food. No more crazy control and fear of the dang stuff that gives me so much pleasure to prepare, present and eat. I feel like I've turned a corner on this one. But then again, you know what happens as soon as I make a proclamation: SLAM! Back into the land of the lost and confused. I do feel something of a shift, though.

I wish you could somehow taste all of the things I've created in my little kitchen. So fun!

Play is good. I'm hoping to rediscover the fun and playfulness in running soon, too. I've been on hiatus, but I'm looking forward to getting back into it. We'll see what my body says. . . .

So, I hope to hear from you soon about how you are, and I hope it's not devastatingly bad. Cuz I can't stand to see you in such a situation any longer. I hope you're taking good care of yourself!

Lots of love to you!!

Merci, Madame!

2005-08-15T12:40:00.000-04:00

More than being spectacularly helpful and encouraging, your inspired post reminded me what a dang spanktacular friend you are and how very well you know me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It seems that the fog may be lifting for us both. The challenge now (cuz we know there'll always be one) is the fog seems to be lifting just as a shitstorm is about to dump on us. So much work to do with no downtime. This means the pressure's on to be extra diligent about taking care of ourselves, whatever that means at the moment.

I do believe sometimes that means martinis and ice cream, but more often it means kindess to self in the form of exercise and eating nutritious things. As b.d has said, "Let me remind you, vodka martinis have no nutritional value. Ice cream has some nutritional value."

And as Pam has reminded me from time to time, the impulse to eat when the going get rough just might be an attempt to nurture ourselves. It becomes a problem when the act turns violent, i.e. stomach ache, self-hatred, etc.

So, I'm trying to find that balance, as always.

Which means, I'm back to my McCann's steel cut irish oats and egg whites in the morning. But I found a new delicious way to eat my two favorite things together. I made hard boiled eggs, discarded the yolks, and filled the little holes with mashed avocado. Delish! And replaced the bad fat of the yolk with the marvelous fat of the avocado. I didn't have cilantro or lime, so I didn't bother to make guacamole, but the salted, mashed avocado, was equally perfect. It reminded me that one day I must live in a villa with avocado trees growing in the backyard. I have yet to find a more perfectly satisfying thing to eat than a perfectly ripe avocado.

Remember when Janet Jackson was fat(ish)--circa "Nasty"? I remember reading an interview in Seventeen magazine with her shortly after she became super buff and she said that she was a chubby child because they had a grove of avocado trees on their property in Southern California and she used to go out there with a salt shaker and eat that fatty green flesh to her heart's content.

This is probably why avocados are not the best way to fill myself up and why they should best be enjoyed in moderation. There's that friggin' word again.

My friend Jessica also said she went from a size 6 to a size 12 when she studied in Chile solely because of the abundance of avocados in her diet. Damn.

I'll work on that moderation thing. But down with diets! I know I must eat the way I choose to eat the rest of my life, so I'm working on tweaking that.

Have fun working a short day today, dahlink!

Help. Ish.

2005-08-13T10:15:00.000-04:00

You know, I honestly think the moments of clarity and profundity are so closely chased by a wallowing misery because a) there is no easy truth, my dear, since b) most of us are habitually blind to it, in fact work quite hard at ignoring it, and c) you and I are, on top of all that, bleeding-fucking-masters, er, mistresses, of self-sabotage.

Let me 'splain. Is it true that we are rather fit, if not flabuless, right now? Yes. Perhaps fitter even than the chain-smoking, rail-thin model types that skulk around Manhattan? Very likely. Is it true that on top of this, we are charming, fascinating, well-educated, wickedly clever bitches? Uh-huh. Now, is any of this linked to the way we are or have been treated in the world? Sometimes yes, but often, sadly, no. Sometimes we get the shit end of the stick for no reason. But being human, we want always to be in control of the way in which we are treated, to master our lives, which leads us to seek the "faulty" areas that we should improve to do so. Like eliminating arm jiggle, or a really quite natural layer of fat in your thighs that you work damn-hard to get rid of, but your body is all, "Nah, bitch, it stays!" Because, hellooooooo, that's where we store the fat that helps us through the physical hell of baby-making and also happens to be what makes us ladies in the first place. It's supposed to be there. Somehow, this has not been making you feel any better. So you beat yourself up about not running 18 miles today when you don't, even though you know you're going to do it tomorrow, and makes you beat yourself up again when you do, because for some ridiculous reason, you aren't impressed with yourself for doing it. Uh, end point A.

Begin point B. Now, why in hell aren't you impressed? Is it not true that running 18 miles in under four hours in a single day, and then not falling down dead and footless at the end, is genuinely impresseive? It sure as shit is impressive. And yet, you are distracted from the fact that this is increible. Why? Because some numnuts scheduled your classes all wrong, against your warnings, and some other numnuts is making you professionally bunk with some irritating chit who has stolen the window-view even though she's bloody blind, and your ex is practicing the asshatery that he has always practiced, you now realize with you and everyone else he's encountered because it's all he is capable of, and because the almighty teevee acts like ain't nobody over a size two exists in any capacity other than mockery or scorn, let alone ever run a race? Well I say bah! Bah to that! "Fuck all y'all," that's what you need to be saying!

What was my point?

Ah yes, truth and beauty, or at least perception thereof. Beauty is one subject which has long since lost any grounding in truth. But we have this idea of it as some sort of ultimate truth. Wait, I don't know where that's going. I start again. Oh hell, let's just skip it and move on to point C.

So, as you know, you and I have a tendency to want to rock our own boats. We are quite adept at it, in fact. So when you are faced with embarking upon a grand voyage, it is only natural that you would be gearing up for a little boat rocking as well. Consider if you will, what you have set yourself up for in the coming months:

a) Continued instruction and guidance of the most insufferable members of society, private school undergraduates. I say this knowing full well what an insufferable undergraduate I once was.

b) Beginning a doctoral program that will more squarely set you on the path to your dream of literary godhood.

c) Running in a single day, several times a week, the ground only covered in a single day by marauding types like Visigoths and Huns on massive campaigns of destruction and whatnot.

d) Continuing to carry the burden of writing dumb-ass stories for your local paper even after you told those bitches you didn't want any more on your plate than you've already got, turning out high-quality copy, and then getting paid arse for it.

e) Approaching the birthday before the 3-0, and deciding you need to have accomplished something huger than what you have already accomplished, which includes a whole roster of goddamned impressive acts like walking across European nations and surviving potentially fatal illnesses before you hit 20. But I guess, when put that way, I get why you might feel unimpressed with what you got goin' on now, having slain those dragons so early on. Hm.

f) Oh, and also putting pressure on yourself to find the Lurve. Which is just nervewracking if everything else is going peachy-keen, so, yeah, hextra hell when you've got a-e to deal with.

When you set such a mission for yourself, is it any wonder that your subconscious is screaming with fear? Because, while I know you will succeed, and you know you will succeed, you can't help the "What if I fail?" reflex. So you start to sink your ship before it sets sail.

This boat analogy has gone on too long. As has this long-winded, crazy post. So I sum up: RELAX! You are being, frankly, human in your fears and confusion. And entirely too hard on yourself for such passing moments of weakness. Keep sight of your newfound wisdom and desire to be happy with yourself as you are. Yes, periods of uncertainty will come, but, as you are a balanced person with lots of love, support and a damned good head on your shoulders capable of intense moments of clarity and self awareness in the first place, you will come round right again.

Now get your ass out there and run.

Love ya!

Poopies. And Flailing. Again. Sort of.

2005-08-12T11:53:00.000-04:00

I don't know, lady. I'm feeling a little lost. Why are the highs and lows, the bits of wisdom and moments of complete confusion so close together?

I feel at war with myself again. The stress of starting teaching and school again is giving me heart palpitations and a strong desire to eat french baguettes with butter and chocolate chip cookies. All natural, of course. Somehow, that doesn't at all feel like a triumph.

I woke up long before dawn and ate some granola and toast to prepare for 18 miles of running that has yet to happen. I just couldn't haul my ass out of bed again. I guess I'll go this afternoon. It's muggy and threatening to rain, but whatever. Why does running long distances not feel much like an achievement anymore? I feel terrible that I'm not doing more, not working harder, not eating better, but at the same time I feel rotten for feeling terrible about it, not recognizing my achievements, not loving and honoring myself where I am. God Damn.

Maybe shit's just catching up with me. Like the ex's visit.

I know I'll feel better after I run, but getting out there is getting harder and harder. And I know the harder it is to lace up and hit the road, the more I need to do exactly that.

Maybe I need to shake things up a little bit. Maybe I'll take a spinning class tomorrow morning and yoga tonight. Maybe that'll help.

Any ideas what else might help? Or is this one of those moments when I need to not make things happen? Is this one of those many moments when I need to learn to sit with my grief and observe? I'll be surprised if that ever gets easy for me.

Relax a little.

2005-08-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

And get a massage while you're at it. That's what I plan to do, and that is what I have decided our mutual journey to fitness and flabulessness calls for.

Single people suffer more than most from lack of touch. Especially if they don't have family nearby and especially if they don't have cuddly pets. It's unhealthy in all sort of ways not to be touched. So go get a massage already.

Also, please avoid all advertising. I find that watching tv makes me depressed and miserable, merely from being exposed to people telling me what to do and how to be. I've never responded well to such demands coming from anybody, but those ads are insidious.

I think I'm entering a new phase of my summer retreat. I'll call it de profundis. I'm coming out of the depths and re-entering the world purely. I may finally be reaching the summer of zen.

This means: exercising like crazy, as usual, but because of how it makes me feel, not because of how it will potentially make me look; eating foods that nourish me because they are delicious and I am hungry (what a concept!); and letting the chips fall where they may. I believe that only good can come from these methods, because they eliminate the violence we've been inflicting on ourselves.

Yes, violence.

Because that's what bingeing, starving, eating weird cardboard shit spread with no calorie, non-spreadable spreads is. It's all about loving ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be who we truly are right now, and not get distracted and jolted from the moments of every day by the false promise of what we might become.

You and I are fit and fabulous right now, darling.

But damn if this journey ain't hard.

Please stop hating yourself. And I will try to do the same. If we can accomplish this and only this, we will be so much closer to a true fitness and flabulessness!

Of course, this might be the hardest thing of all.

That is all.

Perhaps a reward system is in order.

2005-08-06T16:22:00.000-04:00

I have decided I will set my intermediate goal at 15 lbs. below where I am now. Once there, I will reward myself with this lovely tattoo, small, perhaps somewhere around my wrists or ankles. I've thought about getting this particular symbol for a while now, and almost just took off and did it today, but then I thought it would be much better to make it part of my goal, especially considering its meaning.

That is all.

One more thing

2005-08-06T10:56:00.000-04:00

This is neat!

You can creat a little profile and track and analyze everything you eat and every exercise you do online every day, and it will track your progress over the long term. You just have to do the little "my pyramid tracker."

It's a whole new way for the government to police our bodies!

Sweet!

Remember back when I said the time for finger-waggin' was when I was givin' up and stuck and whatnot?

2005-08-06T10:04:00.000-04:00

The time is now, methinks.

Okay, I haven't actually given up.

But.

I'm stuck, and it's time for me to go into hateful police-everything-I-eat mode. Because I really am not crazy about being me right now. Ugh, that sounded terrible and worse than it should have, but whatever.

And I'se worried about you, because you seem to be having a tough time, too. Maybe it's in the stars? Maybe there are times when we are simultaneously shoveling shit, which ups the desire to sit home and shovel junk into the mouth? Something to consider, I suppose.

I happen to be having one of those shitty existential lows. I had ice cream twice this week--twice--and I don't even really like ice cream. I've only made it to the gym three times. Unless I hit it twice today, there's no way to make my 5-day target this week. Hell. Hell. Hell. And even though I'm goin' all the galldang time, it doesn't seem to be making much difference on the scale. I can see it in terms of the tone of my fatty areas, but they aren't really less fatty.

So. Back to the world of diet.

God, I'm off to the gym. I hope yer doin' okay with the ex in town! Don't let him roll you again! Tumble, maybe, but roll, no.

Love ya!

Not defunct, de-FUNKY!

2005-08-04T12:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know, that made no sense at all, but that's how desperate I am for something to say.

Boo.

Nothing new or exciting going on. No changes in weight, nothing revolutionary or fascinating in the workout department.

I only have two sessions left with E., though, and that is so much the suck. Because I need to decide whether I wish to sign up for more. I kinda do, but damn, that's a lot of money, and with my pay about to drop, that might not be a good idea, you know? But I like having a trainer. Dang.

Mostly, I'm tired and trying to get my shit together enough for my life not to be so damned exhausting.

How you doin'?

Is this blog officially defunct?

2005-08-04T09:18:00.000-04:00

Dude, where you at?

2005-07-31T17:39:00.000-04:00

Why hast thou forsaken this bloggy-blog?

I suspect you are a tad DEpressed, and I don't like it when that happens.

How is your fitness and flabulessness? Are you still sore?

I gained five pounds this week. Carbo loading and exes who come to visit are soooooo not good for my fit and flabuless quest. At least I kept working out and running like a madwoman. I'm good for something. Really. I am.

Just not dieting.

You were so right. And wise. Crazy dieting just begs for a backlash. Plus I'm an emotional eater. This I know. I haven't mastered how to combat the tendency to stuff my face when the going gets tough. This, my friend, is exactly why I'm in the boat I'm in. Imagine how ginormous I'd be if I didn't exercise like a fiend. No, don't. It's too scary.

Size four, I fear, is a long way off.

I'm not giving up, though!

If I can fucking run 16+ miles at a stretch, I damn well can lose 30 pounds and keep it off.

So, my plan is to move on, learn from my mistakes, forgive myself, and ease up on the strictness of the goddamn Zone. That shit never works for long. Three weeks max, apparently. But I do think eating mostly fresh veggies and fruits balanced with some protein and healthy fat is a good long-term plan. But a little grain, a little drinkie, a little sweetie now and then should be a part of the plan. And the plan needs less planning, cuz I get a little hyper about it (as if you hadn't noticed!), and then I ditch and run, because truly I need more freedom to feel like myself. Spontaneity has to be planned into the plan, if you will.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about anymore.

I do know that I know how to eat right--for health, for weight loss--but the biggest road block for me is emotional eating. Since I cannot plan on life not throwing shit my way, I'm going to have to find a new, less self-sabotaging way to soothe my troubled spirit. And it cain't be drinkin' and it cain't be shoppin', my other vices of choice.

Thank God I stopped myself before pouring Bailey's into my protein shakes this week. I came close, though. . . .

I wish I enjoyed cleaning the house. That would be an excellent place to focus my nervous energies.

Meditation, perhaps?

Exercise, yes. I'm doing that. But it doesn't keep me from scarfing down every remotely starchy thing in the house.

I don't know. Perhaps I can just make these three-day stretches fewer and farther between. That would be progress, no?

bad, bad couple of days

2005-07-29T14:08:00.000-04:00

although it could be worse.

I still did all my exercise, although not all at the right times.

The problem is I ate everything remotely delicious in the house. Including the stale Dove chocolates from Christmas. When I took off the wrappers words such as "your presence is the best present" appeared on the foil that I quickly crumpled and tossed aside.

I also polished off a jar of peanuts and many pecans. I might just have to rid the house of anything bite size.

Why is it that when your ex calls and tells you he's coming to visit salad doesn't sound like a good idea? I've got piles of lettuce in the crisper, yet I went for stale, narsty-arse, funky old chocolate that wasn't even delicious.

I guess it's that little thing known as self-sabotage.

Fuck.

Pathology?

2005-07-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

Alrighty. Now is the time that I must bust out with the love and the truth.

I have never, and I mean never, seen you as a fat person. I ain't lyin'.

Now, I know I met and have known you post-highest weight. Same goes for me, and this might 'splain our distorted views of ourselves compared to our views of each other. But I also think true friends see us for who we are--we love each other for our faults as much as for our good, to badly paraphrase Dylan Thomas.

So I think as we continually lose weight and shrink our bodies toward what we thought we always wanted, we need to keep that battle in mind: self-image. I've heard this is the problem with maintenance, a thing I've never reached long enough to discover its problems. But the hardest thing is the belief that no matter what happens on the outside, inside we still feel like the fat little girls who were teased, despised and shunned by the people from whom we most wanted approval. Conquering this is no small task, darlin'.

But I suspect until we come to terms with it, nothing will ever be enough. No amount of fat lost, muscle gained, titties lifted, skin tightened.

You are beautiful, inside and out. Just as you are. I wouldn't have been drawn to you if I didn't think this true. As shallow as that may sound, it's the damn truth. You are a gorgeous lady, and you better start believing it. Otherwise, I might just have to kick your ass.

Nips and Tucks and WTFs?

2005-07-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

I share your revulsion for the plastic surgery shows, but I am so often drawn to them since it is absolutely fascinating to watch these transformations. I think that the revulsion comes from both of our desire to remake ourselves the old fashioned way, from the sheer brutality of the procedures (I mean, shit, the only other people willing to do things plastic surgeons do to the human body are called serial killers, monsters, and we lock them up and fry 'em whenever we can, because one should not generally be opening people up for just any old reason), from our good liberal-feminist bent which says there is nothing wrong with the bodies we are born with, by gum, they are wonderful and do wonderful things so why hack it up to look like someone else's ideal...

The short answer is, I think we are repulsed because we are, in fact, sane. Sane in a truly crazy world. Science is beautiful, but the command thereod has also made man crazy. We are a grasping, calculating species, far beyond any other on the planet. Twisted complication is what we do best.

That said, this is why I plan on having nips and tucks in future:

1. If I manage to lose all or even most of the excess weight, I'll have excess skin in certain areas, I'm pretty sure. I've been hugely fat all my life. I mean, shit, I weigh less now than I did when I was 10. TEN! My body and skin has never really known what it was like to wrap a little package. It's too late to ask it to start now.

2. TEN! So I've never known what it was like to have a little, generally admirable body. It has been selectively admired, of course, but most people have looked at me and seen pathology. It would be interesting to, you know, walk among you normals and not have everyone assume A, B, C, D and X about me before I open my mouth and more or less confirm it. Ha!

3. I'm keeping it to a minimum. I think I'll have my twins shrunken and lifted, but I wouldn't want implants. Maybe because I've had the hoots all my life, like you, but all the women in my (mom's) family were more-or-less little-hooted and I've seen the perks. Okay, worst punning ever, I know, but my mom's almost 50 and hers are still standing at attention. Oh, and no bras! God, I could never even imagine what that would be like. Joy!!!!!! Of course, the tradeoff is, at best, a Raggedy Anne seam running down the middle of each tit. Yeesh. But other than taking care of stuff so that I don't have to worry about stuffing my skin into my clothes appropriately for the rest of my life, no cosmetic stuff. I sometimes hate my nose. I'll get over that, though. Stuff like that I am much more practical about.

Crap, I gotta go to the gym. Chat later?

Plastic surgery and the weight loss slows.

2005-07-25T09:54:00.000-04:00

Half pound down according to the scale yesterday.

Either I should be happy, or I should be spurred to work harder: less drinkies and fewer desserts.

Instead, I dug into the Ben and Jerry's. But not in a ridiculous out of control way. I waited until dinner, a dinner that consisted of salad with shrimp. So, I think it was balanced. Although it was a big salad and two dishes of ice cream. But it was fookin' delish, man.

I think running like mad makes your body crave carbs. 'Course, my carbs of choice are Ben and Jerry, not pasta and bread. I love them, too, but when given a choice. . . .

Today I'm planning to go the gym and do some weights by myself. I'm not sure what I'll do without TTT. Running around the gym with her makes me feel much less inhibited. I feel self conscious doing a circuit by myself, like I don't know what I'm doing. I guess this is something I'll have to overcome. After all, I have pretty good form, and I've been at this long enough that I can do it without carrying around the little paper she wrote out for me eons ago.

Speaking of form, during the run Sunday a lady told me I have "beautiful form." She said, "I was looking around and trying to decide who I should aspire to be, and it's you." Can you imagine? Made me feel like a real runner. 'Course it was around mile 1 when she observed my form. Not sure what it looked like by mile 12. . . .

I watched a British X-treme makeover style show before Footballer's Wive$ last night on BBC. (By the way, you have GOT to watch Footballer's Wive$, it's fookin' delish, man.) On the makeover show they had a 30-year-old, 6-foot-plus, very slightly chubby, uglyish duckling, and they brought her to LA, liposucked her belly, back, neck and "bingo wings"; veneered her teeth; lasered her eyes; pinned back her ears; clipped muscles in her forehead; cut away skin on her eyelids; chiseled away at the cartilage and bones in her nose; inserted D-cups through her belly button (to replace her A cups); did her hair and make-up and designed a glamorous dress for her. Took 6 weeks.

I found this very repulsive, and the result was less than miraculous, as far as I'm concerned. She seemed to feel she looked better, and she did. But $200,000-worth better? They sucked a liter and a half of fat out of her body. I'm convinced she would have looked better with 6-weeks of intensive personal training and zone-dieting and a weekend visit to a spa. She'd have ended up healthier and it would have been a hell of a lot cheaper.

Of course, my reaction probably has more to do with my own thoughts of plastic surgery for myself than it has to do with the poor flight attendant from Bolton. I guess I struggle with the idea of abusing your body and then abusing it more. That surgery is nasty! And the way the doctors talked about her body as if it were an object! I guess I just can't see how this can be good in the long run. Yes, I'm attempting the same sort of overhaul through diet and exercise and I am increasingly becoming aware of just how deflated my breasts may become. This is leading to thoughts of lifting, nipping, tucking--and dare I say--implanting. I never thought I would be the sort of person who would do such a thing. But as always, it comes down to identity. I have had ginourmous breasts since I developed them at 9 or 10. Who will I be without them? I do not want to become a skeleton with hooters, as is deemed desirable these days, but . . . I don't want deflated balloons either.

Why do I have such anxiety about this? Can you help enlighten? Please and thank you. I know plastic surgery is something you downright plan on; do you struggle with it at all?

Sore inner thighs

2005-07-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

. . . really feels like an accomplishment, doesn't it. Problem is, I don't know which dang thing I did caused it. Poop. TTT can't figure it out, either.

Nuts. I love them too much. Almonds, cashews, peanuts. Not such a fan of macadamias. For once I pick the expensive ones to dislike. But these delicious little buggers are a part of my daily diet these days, which is good--except sometimes I eat more than I'm supposed to. Take today, for example. I was throwing handfuls down my throat with lunch. I don't know if this is what the marathon books say is a normal increase in appetite, or just me eating too many delicious nuts. Nuts!

Had a good session with TTT today. She had me do this crazy ab thing where I had to jump up and grab these handles, hang there facing the wall, then lift my knees up so high that I was pointing my ass at the wall. I don't know whether or not this description gives you an accurate visual, but you get the idea of how bizzarely complex and difficult this move was for me. Sheesh. But I'm happy to do whatever will get me ripped. Ripped!

I also overheard a group of people in the cardio room (as I was doing my 45 minutes on the ARC) talking about doing the Chicago marathon. One was a chubby little goth looking girl. It made me so happy. Maybe she'll be at the group run tomorrow. I heard her say she was doing 16 tomorrow. It's nice to know there is a community of people nearby who are as crazy as I am.

How the hell are you, dahlink? I tried calling you several times earlier, but the call wouldn't go through. Poop. Call me, okay?

Geez-o-pete

2005-07-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

I disappear for a couple days and all hell breaks loose.

Or something.

Yay for you and your non-flakey (does this make him smooth?) trainer. I like him already.

And what's going on with your new job that apparently is more than you bargained for?

I've been running and training. But also beer drankin' in the sun and cake-eating to my heart's content. Meaning: lots.

But I've decided this is part of the balance of a healthy life. A gal's got to enjoy herself a little, no? That's why I'm working hard on not feeling guilty about it. Cuz that would be a shame and counterproductive to enjoyment.

I'm pooped. That's all I got for now.

I hope you're well, dahlink. Talk soon?

Looks like the new trainer just might work out.

2005-07-20T10:40:00.000-04:00

1. Showed up on time...check.
2. Cheerful as hell...check.
3. Knows what the heezy he's doing...check.

Good enough for me, so long as he keeps it up. His style is pretty different. He seems to prefer more reps, more sets, lower weights, so we didn't cover as much ground as Flakeboy would in a session, but that's okay. I think I've learned as much as I need to from him to carry out the extras on my own at this point, anyway. Meh.

But after the session, which was quite thorough and has left me pretty sore, I put in almost an hour on Mr. elliptical and then dragged home and I was bloody starving all day long, despite having had a pre-workout smoothie, lunch (pasta with veggie sauce, which probably is what made me hungry) a little minute steak and broccoli turned into sesame ginger beef and broccoli, so I got a grilled chicken sandwich from this Chirpin' Chicken place. Dude. It was just chicken and veggies wrapped in pita, but it was hands down the best grilled chicken I've ever had. Amazing. I'll have to avoid that place at all costs.

I was thinking of skipping the gym today, but I shan't. Dang. So I'm off to make a Spirutein-free smoothie and get some coffee galores.

Where you at, Monie?

I'm not mad!

2005-07-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'm crazy...like a fox!

Yeah, non sequitur. It felt right.

So anyway, I love the choco-Spirutein and frozen berry soy smoothie action for brunch today. As the Paris would say, "That's hot." Then she'd stumble around and maybe flash everybody, because if she actually ingested anything as calorific as a whole Spirutein smoothie (200 calories! Ish!), I'm pretty sure it would have been laced with the cocaines.

I think I'll have the other packet as my pre-trainer workout meal. Yay, new trainer! I think I like him already, but the bar at this point is so low, I should really try to reserve judgement. But if he shows up, he's ahead of the game. And if he shows up twice in a row, no reschedules...well hot damn, I might have to give him a bonus! Dang.

I opted for a giant bowl of light muesli with soymilk for dinner, BTW, over the ginger beef prep. It's too late, and I need to get my jiggly rear in bed if I'm planning to wake up and get to the gym for this session.

Hope you enjoyed your smoothie!

Congrats on your lost poundage!

2005-07-17T22:48:00.000-04:00

You gotta do what works, man. And it looks like your crazy system is working for you! Hooray!

I respect your desire to proselytize the superstrict regime. I just think we are in different boats. I've got a lot farther to go than you've got, you know. Which means I'll have to work at this for a very long time. Which means I have to be able to endure it for a very long time. (I know you are working cuh-razy hard, I'm not saying you aren't ma dear, but you can see the end, it is within your grasp, and then you'll have maintenance, which is no picnic, I know. I'm looking at a good year more, at least, and then very likely a nip-and-tuck or two. Christ.) Big runs and super strictness for me will be much more important when I've lost another 20 pounds and plateaued than right now when I'm cruisin'. Because right now, even with my occasional bouts of wingery, I am still losing weight, probably because I know when I've gone overboard a day or two and then balance myself out. And I know that, say two months from now, I'll get stuck in a rut. And that's when I'll need the pep talks and crazy strict routines and fancy breathing exercises. Because that's when what I'm doing will have stopped working out, and when I'll want to, too.

Also, I just don't feel the diet-plan passion. If you'll recall, a certain birthday book had this to say about my birthday: people born on this day just don't work with strict diet plans at all. Which is hilariously true. I'm much happier keeping an eye on how I've done for the week, all in all, than tracking everything I've consumed and micromanaging my meals. That shit makes me nuts.

Which is all to say, I know you're coming from a place of love. I hear your enthusiasm, and draw encouragement from it. But save the finger waggin' for when I say "I've given up, this is impossible!" because that is when it'll be most needed! Teehee!

Another 2 lbs down, baby!

2005-07-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

Weigh-in today: minus 2 lbs, hooray!

This only proves that it IS THE FOOD. But rather than say, Gaddamn it's so hard, let's say, hey, now we know. We can do this. When you know better, you do better.

Sorry to get all Oprah on your ass.

I have yet to run today. Late night boat partyers woke me up, so I needed a bit of a sleep-in. Then when I did get up at 8:30, I was ravenous and decided running 14 miles with a grumbling, empty stomach probably wouldn't do at all. So I had a fabulicious bowl of oats with black raspberries and an egg-white pannycake and am now waiting for all that to settle a bit. It's getting hot out there. I'd better lace up.

Hope you're having a good day at the bunker, honey child. Did you watch "A Home . . . " yet?

Preparedness

2005-07-16T20:10:00.000-04:00

is the key to success in anything. I have decided this. And no, I am not under the influence of any "life coach" or $12.95 self-help paperback.

I think mental preparation is important for my runs. Perhaps equally important is my drinking a gallon of water per day and having the right foods on hand and grocery shopping on a full stomach with a detailed list. Cuz everday things are more likely than not to derail you. This I know.

And yes, I know you are premenstrual and eating buffalo wings from Domino's of all Godforsaken places perhaps as I write this. But I'm just saying. Perhpas if you make yourself eat more better stuff earlier in the day and your body will thank you for it. Even if it's old mixed nuts, if you listen to Carlos.

Or just chalk it up to your Aunt Flo coming for a visit, forgive yourself, and never, never say you blew it. Cuz then you give yourself permission to eat more fried, oil-laced, sweety delicious monstrosities and you're sunk and sad and set-back. We don't want that, do we? Those 12 pounds have found a new home elsewhere--let them be, I say!

But then again, do what you want. I could just be all self-righteous and terribly irritating. Always know, though . . . I'm doing it for our fit+flabuless team!

I bought ice cream today

2005-07-15T15:19:00.000-04:00

Meijer brand Butter Pecan sweetened with Splenda in a box, to be precise.

And I managed to make it a part of my Zone lunch. Amazing how a quarter cup of that stuff'll do ya. Yummy! And no guilt because of the Splenda and the fact that I ate one of my famous mixing bowls full of salad before the ice cream.

TTT is totally forgiven for not giving me her full attention on Wednesday. I am so easy. She told me I look smaller. Three times she said this. Then she asked me if I feel smaller. I said yes, cuz after your PT tells you three times you look smaller, you miraculously begin to feel smaller. It's the food, I swear. Maybe those mofo pace runs. And the endurance runs. It's certainly not the drunken Saturdays in Chicago. Although that was dang fun and totally worth it.

We'll know for sure if the downsizing is real when I weigh in on Sunday before my 14-mile run. Welcome to week 2 of marathon training.

Remember the egg white pannycakes? I finally figured out that they really are like pannycakes when you only use 2 egg whites, instead of my usual 4 or 6. Amazing. I had one with a slice of toast and three almonds with a little glass of milk for my bedtime snack last night. Oh how I love the Zone. Ish.

As for your dericious lunch yesterday in Harlem, here's what I have to say: if ever there was a glorious way to blow a dieting day, that is the way, my friend. One day we'll have to go to Memphis together so I can take you to my favorite of all places in the world to eat. Funny thing, you gotsta eat collard greens while you're there. And the best pie place in the world is across the street. Nothing like downhome cooking. And when you come with me to visit my daddy some time I'll take you to the best catfish joint in the world. Huck's. In Howe, Texas. With green tomato relish. And fried baby squash. Mmmmm.

I think it might be time for a snack.

So when I went to Meijer and bought the ice cream, I managed to pick up $35-worth of other stuff, too. Like Splenda (but it came with free koolaid and a cutie koolaid mixing spoon with the koolaid face cute out of it), cooking spray, Irish oats (set me back $6.29, but totally worth twice that), eggs (for the pannycakes), calamine lotion (goddamn spiders), toothpaste, one cucumber (I always feel funny with a single one in the cart), one avocado, a can of cashews and a can of almonds. I am the queen of nuts. Take that in any way you want.

Speaking of sexual innuendos . . . TTT had me doing all kinds of weirdo moves that appeared to be simulating sex. I don't know if we usually do such things, but I am only aware of it in certain moments of my cycle, or if she was inspired by how small I'm getting. I don't know. But have you ever used the -- oh forget it. I can't even describe it without laughing my ass off.

I hope your day got off to a better start after that initial 17-minute long mishap. You poor lady. I have four words for you:

Get a new job.

New Trainer!

2005-07-14T12:12:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going with E., the trainer I mentioned last time F. flaked out. He did it again this week, and when I asked him if he was planning to get someone to cover for him, he got huffy and said he would just pass me off to another trainer, which is hilarious. Oh god, I'm surrounded by children all the time.

I don't know if he thought I'd be all, "No, don't do that!" but whatever. I said "Sounds good, thanks, I'll pick someone out today." And I did. E. is there all the time, or all the time I'm there, so there should be no problem with him. I hope. And now I have one less child to deal with. I hope. Fookin' hell.

I did some poking around online, and it turns out that the kind of flake-out F. pulls every week is not uncommon. In fact, many of the complaints I saw about trainers were about people not showing up or just canceling willy-nilly because they wanted to have lunch and all kinds of other bullshit. No wonder the fitness industry has a bad name. It seems to draw irresponsible, flakey people.

Kitchen tart

2005-07-13T12:52:00.000-04:00

That's what you are. Me, too. At least we're not pop tarts.

Your soup sounds marvelicious. But you know me, I'm a soupaholic. But not in the summertime. I tend to switch to salads. And why am I not a skinny person?

Iced green tea. Have you done this for yourself? I am totally addicted. Drinking a half-gallon of the stuff on some days. I brew about 6 tea bags in a kettle full of water to make a good, strong base and then dilute it with water. Add the juice of one lemon or lime and splenda to taste and you got yerself a skinny-making mocktail. I drink it out of pretty glasses and that makes life so much sweeter.

I had a dream this morning that I was working out with TTT and she was pissing me off by talking to all sorts of people in the gym and ignoring me.

When I got to the gym--this is in real life, now--that's pretty much what happened! And she had me do the same exercises I was doing in the dream. What the hell kind of psychic weirdness is going on? And why can't I have some kind of useful psychic powers if I'm going to have them at all?

Look at this:
http://www.snakeinthebasement.com/july9001.JPG

and then when we talk maybe you can explain to me how to do hypertext and post photos and stuff, 'cuz I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe I just need to play around on Blogger more. I know. Sad blogger am I.

Call me when you have a moment. I tried you, but no you there!

OKay, I'm much cheerier now.

2005-07-13T10:38:00.000-04:00

So nice how I woke up this morning feeling fine. I think I'll be getting my period in the next few days. Nothing else explains these recoculous mood swings.

Also, joy of joys, I got on the scale this mornin' and found I am another 2 lbs down, and now officially back in grad-school weight. That'll always be a cheer-up. Now, another 10 lbs. and I'll be pre grad-school. How fast can I make that happen? I wonder.

Last night I made a pot of chicken vegetable soup for the first time in years (for obvious reasons) and it is delicious. Chicken, carrots, green beans, shallots, garlic, thyme, rosemary, seasalt, brown rice and beer. Yeah, beer. I was nursing a Bass at the time, and I just decided to dump some in. Dang, I sure do like making things on the fly.

Anyhoo, I gotta get to the gym. Buzz ya this afternoon?

Nah, I'm just making the session up tomorrow.

2005-07-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

No extra payment or lost sessioning involved. Still pisses me off, though. As far as abuse goes, I am a classic abandoned child. For a while, if I feel unloved or underappreciated, I just try harder. Then I pull a runner. It all adds to my charm, darling, my mystique. In other news, I seem to have just developed a tic in my cheek. What the hell?

Meh.

I realized last night that my window was open a tiny, tiny smidge. Once I closed it, I swear the street noise was cut down by about half. I think that may be why I haven't been sleeping well. Ridiculous. A month of this waking up three times a night and early in the morning, and all it took was a little extra tug on the window. Sometimes it's the simplest solution....

The diet sounds good, as well as your non-plan meal modifications. You're in good shape as far as that goes, and with your super-workout schedule, you should be in great shape in weeks!

I'm off-and-on good, diet-wise. Yesterday and today have been great, but Saturday was a disaster (5 Enteman's donuts over the course of the day at the bunker) and Sunday was just alright.

Moodwise I am having a supershittylow day. I am just not happy. With anything. This is a terribly lonely city sometimes, and so right this minute, I hate it. Maybe I'll be happier tomorrow, who knows. More likely I'll just be too busy to think much about it. Today was a short day for me, and I didn't have to go to the bunker, just shop for some stuff, which meant wandering around town on foot, watching the world slip by, and brooding. I swear, I think it's worse to be among people when you're like that than tucked up at home with a movie or something.

Jeebus, now I've blogged myself into melancholy. Anyway, chat later, chica!

He better forgive you retroactively

2005-07-12T17:20:00.000-04:00

'cuz he owes you, bigtime. And if you end up paying for that missed session, well. I'd say you have a history of letting people abuse you. And that makes me very unhappy.

But I'm sorry you missed your session. I guess your body needed sleep more than it needed boxing this morning. Why haven't you been sleeping since Chicago? I think sleep is an equal component along with diet and exercise in the fit+flabuless eqation. How can we get you more sleep (aside from sleeping through pt appointments)?

As for the bloggedy blogs, you can of course link this and divine marathon to siddity--in fact I encourage it. And I plan to focus on the running for the other one but continue to chitchat with you here. 'Course, I want you to read the other one, too, especially since you're my only commentator so far. . . .

I spent another $100 on groceries yesterday, but I figure I was always spending that much, just over the course of several trips throughout the week. I am loving my eating plan--healthy, fresh--and most importantly, working! I've revisted my Zone books for more pointers and of course I am perfectly brainwashed again that this is the healthiest way to live. Very moderate, although lowcal, and not tricky at all as long as the kitchen's stocked and I'm not out drinking like a whoooore.

I made a pot of Irish steel-cut oats and a pot of brown rice yesterday to have on hand. I can officially feed an army or throw a coktail party at the drop of a hat with all the booze and vittles I got on hand. I'm not sure whether that's good or neurotic or both. Either way, it's what I got.

I went in to work for the first time in a month and it was way more enjoyable than I thought. Still didn't feel like work, cuz it was eating and conversing with colleagues that I like. We had a cafeteria lunch and I managed to find something healthy in a big green salad with hummus and a quarter of a cheese quesadilla with cantaloupe for dessert. Not bad for a free lunch, eh?

Don't know what's for dinner tonight. I'm mostly using ediets as an informal guide anymore. . . . I guess the scale will tell me whether or not this is a good idea.

By the way, with the start of my period, the only aberration from my diet (save for the weekend in Chicago) was a sugar free fudgsicle last night after dinner. Not bad, don't you think?

MIERDA! SCHEISSE! CACA! SHIT!

2005-07-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

I missed my session.

I am so mad I want to cry. Or beat the crap out of something, which is, unfortunately, precisely the opportunity I missed when I missed my session.

I set two--two--alarms so I could get up on time, and I failed to get up.

Okay, one alarm (my iPod) I set for the right time but foolishly used a music option which is useless unless you have it connected to a set of speakers, so that was just stupidity on my part, but I am going to blame my tiredness. But I have no idea what happened to the other, other than it fucking malfunctioned, since when I went to check the alarm time on it, it didn't have any alarm time I've ever scheduled up in that bitch.

And now I've missed a session.

Goddammit.

I haven't been sleeping well since Chicago, anyway, and I slept really well last night, so I should maybe be glad, but mostly I'm just angry. I'm trying to decide if I should stay up and go to the gym now or head out after work. But with the way things are going, my silly ass might not even make it up in time for work. Grumble, pissy, poop.

How are you?
:D

Are you gonna do all your health stuff over in Divine M........arathon? Shall I start checking there? Also, now that you know all our chitter chatter is out in the open, can I link this and your blog over on mineseses?

Chica, woot!

2005-07-11T12:13:00.000-04:00

I hope you're sleeping right now.

Or perhaps looking for another job.

See the other bloggy for details of the weekend.

I'm back to running, running. 3 miles this morning in 23 minutes. And I'm nursing a bit of a sunburn. Totally worth it, though.

Ediets said I lost too much weight last week, but I told them I was just doing some crazy exercise, so no need to revise the plan. I'm going grocery shopping later.

On another note, I am such a virgin blogger! I did not understand that others had access to this little blog, lady! I thought it was just you and me fucking around for our own delight. Then I saw the link from Boogie's blog . . . and, well, I did me some quick edits--mostly to stuff way in the past that was work related. You must have thought to yourself at times, "What the hell is she doing?"

Anywho, it brings up some interesting philosophical questions about privacy, being in the world and the self one presents to the world, contingent, of course, upon just what that world is perceived to be.

Ok. I'll stop now. Meijer beckons. . . .

What's happening with you??

my very own blog

2005-07-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

www.divinemarathon.blogspot.com

It's all about the marathon training. Have a lookielou.

In the zone

2005-07-08T21:56:00.000-04:00

So, I did make it to TJMaxx. On my bike. This was a stroke of genius on my part for two reasons. One: I got some exercise on a non-running day; two: I couldn't buy more than I could fit in my wee backpack. I got away with a sparkly wife beater (I can't believe I'm am legitimizing that phrase, but it's quick), $5.99; a pair of Jones New York rose-colored sunglasses, $7.99; and a gorgeous orange, titty, slightly sequined silk top, $15.99. If I had a digital camera I'd photograph myself in it and send it to you. It also matches those shoesies you gave me last month perfectly. That with a little skirt is my outfit tomorrow. Fun!

Tomorrow is my first big ass run to kick off my marathon training. I better get to bed and rest up. I found a bunch of delightful trails with mile markers on my way to TJ Maxx, so I'll be running thataway tomorrow a.m. before I head off to Chicago.

I'm coming close to starting a marathon training blog. I hope you're good!

Um, excuse me

2005-07-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

but how dare you poo-poo a 2 LB LOSS to a woman who has lost nada despite Herculean efforts?

2 LBS is nothing to scoff at, lady. You know what 2 LBS of fat looks like?

And might I add that you are lookin' mighty fine with your little waist in your little t-shirt on your bloggyblog. Keep up the spanktastic work! Everything is working and you should be ecstatic!

And that Frank didn't have such a good track record to begin with, and the MYOPLEX disaster only adds to my disappointment with him. Why did he want you eating that stuff anyway. Remember, life is too short to be eating stuff you don't even like. Dang.

In fact, I'm even starting to fuck around with my ediets stuff. They let you request new meals if you don't like the one they've offered, which is very handy. For instance, I am supposed to eat tuna-stuffed tomatoes for lunch and that dudn't sound very delicious to me. So, zippityzap, I'm having a turkey/turkey bacon sammich instead. Yay!

For breakie I had 3/4 c lowfat cottage cheese with 3/4 cup strawberries and 3/4 cup bluberries sprinkled with almonds and splenda/cinnamon. Delish. Couldn't you eat a smaller version of that before working out? I find it most satisfying.

Whatchoo up to today? I think I'm going to TJ Maxx to find a cute top for tomorrow after I put my laundry out to dry.

God I love summer.

Sore as well

2005-07-08T11:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm sore most of the time, too. I like it though, it's the only thing that lets me know anything is happening, considering I have only lost like 2 pounds, yeesh.

I bought a bunch of them there protein bars that are like, a crazy 330 calories, and this is what I have learned.

a) I couldn't eat more than half at a time if I tried, 'cause those suckers are twice as big and twice as sweet as goddamned candy bars, and there is no workout I'll ever do that I'll need a whole one of those for.
b) Those damned Myoplex bars are $2.35 each, so I won't be buying any more of them, anyway.
c) I am the flakiest heffa in the world, since I got to the Vitamin Shoppe and couldn't remember if he said Myoplex, Promax, Mesotech or Met-Rx, or if you said plain Spirutein, berry Spirutein, etc. etc.

I have to get to the gym now, since I won't make it over the weekend, for obvious reasons. I talked to Carlos last night, who has said he is no longer moving here, so I won't need to to any scouting, and that you guys will hang out, which I endorsed enthusiastically, as well as suggesting he swing by if you make it in a few weeks. Also, that you two have to have extra fun for me this weekend, since I will be stuck in a soul-sucking vortex.

Thanks!

Sore

2005-07-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

. . . moderately. But feeling the self-generated love. My workout with Tracy was tough yesterday. This made waking up this morning and going for a run particularly challenging.

So I ran an easy 3 miles in about 25 minutes and felt good about myself.

I also talked to Carlos last night and convinced him to run the marathon in October! He's so easy, though.

He's also going to be at some street fair on Saturday in Lincoln Park, so I'm gonna call him when I get to town and maybe meet up. He said he'd like to go hear Woog play, too.

He's funny. And why does his laugh sound even funnier on the phone?

In the best news of all, I wrote that friggin' Harry Potter quiz WITHOUT ANY BINGEING AT ALL. In fact, I am actually hungry, since I ate breakfast 3 1/2 hours ago. I'm looking forward to my spicy chicken strips, big salad, yogurt and apple that's on the menu today. Hooray!

I'm excited about your boxing possibilities. Looks like you're doing a good job with your food today, too, but why are you eating unappetizing things? And why can't you spread that "jelly?" Weird. I ran on an empty stomach and then ate an open-faced avocado, tomato and cheese sandwich with strawberries on the side. Delish. Please eat more delicious things. It will make you a happier person, whilst, if you do it the right way, making you slimmer. Because, of course, perhaps sadly, happiness and slimness seem to be rather inextricable linked. Unless lots of alcohol is involved.

Speaking of which, I am already feeling a little stressed about staying on target while partying in Chicago. Would it be possible not to drink? Or perhaps sip a glass of red wine? What the hell? I've never been able to sip anydamnthing. I'll let you know.

Enjoy your day off, dahlink!

Marathon, baby!

2005-07-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

So, I officially signed up for the marathon.

The Chicago Marathon!

Sunday, October 9, 2005!

I have reserved one of the last hotel rooms in the city proper for that Saturday night and you are welcome to join me as a spectator or a participant, if you are so inclined, and stay with me at the Essex Inn Grant Park, a three-star hotel with a pool and a sauna and an outdoor cafe, yay!

More and more people are walking marathons these days, or you could do the half, walk/run, or any combination thereof. But if you do want to register, you better do it quick, cuz it's filling up--they only allow 40,000 participants and they think at least that many will register by August.

I am so excited!

And, after a little investigation on ediets, I have come to the realization that the diet I am on is the friggin' ZONE diet and I didn't even know it!! Well, I kind of thought it was similar, but how fun is that? Weren't we just talking about the $33 a day home-delivered Zone diet in Manhattan. Now I get basically the same thing, except I have to do all the work and it only costs $12 a month. Happy days.

I still haven't written that Goddamn quiz, yet. When I perused the website, it profoundly irritated me, but I'll get back to it in a bit.

I have eaten well today, yet again. Oatmeal, berries, almonds, a hunk of cheese for breakie; a big green salad with shrimps, strawberries and cashews for lunch, and I'll soon have a snack of some sort. Pasta with chicken and veggies for dinner and then some kind of snack afterward. I am eating so much and that makes me sooooo happy.

Tomorrow I'll do another pace workout or something hard and run-y. I am so geeked about marathoning it. I know it's crazy, but I need crazy to push on through, you know?

I think it's time for that snack--tuna and avocado on ggs, methinks.

Hope you're having a good day, dahlink!

You are not aloooone, doo da doo da doooooooo

2005-07-06T00:10:00.000-04:00

So. Back in the gym today. Which makes me soooo happy. Ran into trainer Frank on the way out, who was all like, "Where were you this morning? We're supposed to be doing Tuesdays and Thursdays, 9 am, right?"

Sigh. No, no we weren't. It's Mondays and Thursdays. (I know. I've got it in an email-trail. Jee-zus, if nothing else comes of this job, I will be an email-trail whore. Whore, I say!) Which I explained. Or tried, anyway. Then he was all "It's no big deal," in that way that men do when they realize they're totally wrong but don't want to admit it, so instead they pretend they're doing you a favor by dropping it. Hilarious. I swear, he is totally not writing any of this down. You cannot have two flaky people in a working relationship like this. I get to be flaky; I've already paid. That leaves him as the point man. I know I've seen him write something down. It just apparently isn't ever our scheduled meeting time.

I'll see him for real on Thursday. I hope. In the meantime, I need to keep up my cardio at a minimum of 45 mins. At this point, I think I should probably be in the 1 hour+ range, comfortably, but I only manage it about once per week. I think that has a lot to do with my time budgeting, though. I have to try to do a solid six days of 1 hr. cardio and see how it goes. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself, but we'll see. Tomorrow, 1 hr. cardio and about a half hour of resistance, since I only had time for about half a strength session today and 35 mins. cardio.

Today's eats:
1 Starbucks iced coffee, double espresso shots, soymilk, Splenda.
12 Cherries
2 Ryvitas with tuna salad (made with 10 calorie mayo alternative and mustard. Mmmmm. Heh.)
1 Amy's vegan pot pie
1 caesar salad with chicken, Annie's Naturals goddess dressing
big handful of blueberries, a couple of blackberries and 2 strawberries.
Splenda lemonade

Otherwise, nothing new or exciting to report. Uh, didja get my message about the weekend after next?

Congrats on your ediets joy! I might look into it later on, if my upped cardio and renewed low-carb-diet-vigor fail to produce the results I'm after. Let me know how you do on yours.

Talk soon!

Am I blogging by myself here, lady?

2005-07-05T16:24:00.000-04:00

I know yer busy and all, but how am I supposed to get fit and flabuless by my own self? Dang.

So, I did indeed do a pace run this morning and it kicked me pretty hard. The good news is I did it all by myself. I ran steady for 15 minutes and then ran as hard as I could until I reached a tree or a sign in the distance and then I ran steady and slower for recovery. Then repeated until I cooled down. They call them fartleks. That makes it even funner.

Then I met Tracy at 11:15 and she worked me HARD. I was doing incline chest presses with 25-lb dumbells. Dang. That was hard. Then I did the ARC for 30 minutes while I read O magazine from May. There was a particularly good interview with Tina Turner, whom I often dressed up as a child and cut my Barbies' hair to emulate hers. Love her. Got inspired by the article.

Ate delicious ediet day 3 things such as: toast with avocado and tuna and blueberries for breakie; turkey with bbq sauce, couscous almond pilaf, spinach salad and a peach for lunch; two ggs, cottage cheese, blueberries and almonds for a snack. For dinner I'm having veggie chili and salad and for a late-night snack I'm having a blackberry smoothie. Yay!

It is a particularly beautiful, clear day today. I've been sitting outside on my upstairs balcony overlooking the lake reading Somerset Maughm. Delicious.

Now I need to haul my ass to ballet. I think I might bike there, but it might do me in. We shall see. . . .

All this work better pay off, but even if I don't lose an arseload of weight, I'll appreciate what I'm doing. Really, the food is great, the exercise makes me feel so much better. I've decided to stay focused on the process and enjoying the day-to-day. If I'm making you puke, I'm sorry; I'm just riding the happy wave. Maybe the hard running kicked in those endorphins long term. One can only hope. . . .

Isn't it weird how just last week i was all in a friggin funk? The ups and downs. . . .

Love you. Hope yer having a good day at the bunker. . . .

Happy 4th/ediet day 2

2005-07-04T20:40:00.000-04:00

So I'm just gonna keep on like a crazed lunatic until you stop me with your own postings.

Today I returned to running after a several week hiatus. My ipod pooped out on me twice, so I went home, took it out of the armband, ran with it and everything was fine, thank god. I'm finding it damn near impossible to run without my tunes anymore, spoiled child that I am. After the good run, I got in my swimming togs and jumped in the lake. Yay!

My ediet breakfast today was an amazing platter of cottage cheese with raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and 5 macadamia nuts. Delicious. And it was so huge that I was stuffed. Crazy.

I cleaned the house a little today in preparation for my mama's coming over for lunch. That was good. I so need deadlines to get any damn thing done, I swear.

I strayed from the ediets lunch of shrimpy mayo salad on pita with a big salad. Improvisation on day two. Shit. But it turned out for the delicious best. I made a chinesy shrimp salad with a bag of coleslaw, a red pepper, 8 oz of shrimp in a homemade dressing of soy sauce, red wine vinegar, hoisin, sesame oil, ginger, garlic and sriracha. Accompanied by a salad of watermelon and cucumbers dressed in mint, salt, pepper and lime. So good!

couple hours later I had a slice of fruit pie my mama made, but I avoided the crust and had a hunk of lowfat cheese for protein. I counted that as my afternoon snack.

For dindin I et a big friggin green salad with balsamic vinegar and an open-faced blt on one slice of lowcal wheat made with your favorite: turkey bacon, and a smattering of avocado, tomato slices and melted lowfat cheddar (my new fave--beats the hell out of that fat free wrapped in plastic shit).

I've also had my late-night snack of the little leftover salads from lunch. YUM!

I am a happy girl and I highly recommend ediets based on my two days, one of which was improv.

Tomorrow I return to Tracy at 11:15, but I think I'll run first thing in the morning. I'm started to feel like I should run the marathon in San Francisco in October. I need to get to training. I better go scare up my marathon-training book.

I hope you're well, dahlink. Talk soon?

ediet day 1

2005-07-03T21:22:00.000-04:00

I love my new ediet life.

Today I spent $109 at Meijer gathering the goods for my first week. Seemed kind of steep, but I did get some big-ticket items such as fancy nuts, chicken and turkey breast, turkey bacon, nova lox and crab.

I also followed the menu for today and am quite pleased with myself. I was neither famished nor hating what I was eating at any point. In fact, eating all freshly prepared things felt downright virtuous. I even managed to drink plenty of water. Hooray for me! I think this will help break me of my neurotic desire to eat dessert after I put anything in my mouth. Dang.

So this was the menu:

breakie: 4 egg white omelette with chopped tomato and fat free cheese, 2 ggs (they said 1/2 piece of toast) with 1/3 T peanut butter, nectarine

lunch: grilled turkey breast, sweet potato with cinnamon, spinach salad with strawberries, walnuts and balsamic vinegar

p.m. snack: turkey and cheese lettuce roll up

dinner: grilled tilapia with lemon and olive oil on a whole wheat bun (you guessed it--I had two ggs instead), green salad with vinaigrette, grapefruit

late snack: 3 olives, 3 cherry tomatoes, 1 oz nova chopped, mixed and topped on 2 ggs (ediets said rice cake, but I'll be damned if I'm buying rice cakes)

So there you have it. They say the diet is 1200-1300 calories a day, and that's what I need to lose the poundage. I told them I am very active, 160 lbs with a goal weight of 130 lbs. That seemed reasonable to them. My BMI still hovers near the "obese" range--at 28 I'm firmly planted in the "overweight" category. The aim is to fall somewhere between 20 and 25, hopefully closer to 20 so I can get that ripped look. Can you imagine?

Anywho, it must be obvious that I am all excited about my new dieting strategy. I tend to be very excited at the beginning of things, but I think this might be a good solution to my curazy eating lately. And now is a good time to do it for me, because I have the time to do all the prep work for the meals. I can always reset my preferences and say I'm too busy to cook; then they'll give me more packaged food and fast-food options. But that doesn't seem tempting right now. I'm enjoying the variety, especially after way too many fiber crackers. The spinach salad with strawberries, balsamic vin and walnuts was particularly tasty and something I would have never come up with on my own. So I'm liking this.

It's around $12 a month and you can't cancel until after 3 months without paying a $25 charge. Even still, if it works, it'll easily be a good investment. I guess I just want the structure--to just try it out faithfully and see if it works. It's kind of like a science experiment on myself. Mwahaha.

What's new witchoo? How's Pop?

And one final fit and flabuless note: if you continue on your omnivorous path, I highly recommend you get yourself a little George Foreman grill if you don't already have one. I did my turkey and fish on it--so handy! so healthy! so delicious!